[ ♥ ]----------------------[ ♥ ]

[THE WORLDS WE LEAVE]

something that always fucks me up when I think about it is the amount of online communities i've been apart of, and if anybody remembers me from those days. chatrooms, games, textwalls. sonicVITA on xat. those sick freaks on penguin oasis. that one guy I used to play little big planet with, because we were both super sick at bomb survivals. it floors me that, when I hop back into ss13 after a few months of absence, people welcome me back to the station. one day i'll think about neocities, and wonder if anybody missed my silly little words after I stopped updating one day.

[THE ONGOING SAGA OF SHIT NOT FITTING ME]

miscellany superfans will aready know my gripes with having to take in alot of clothes, but i'll tell you what's worse than ill-fitting clothes- ill-fitting shoes! I never buy shoes for myself, because i've had a pair of kid's sized doc martens since I turned sixteen, and i'm psychically linked to them now, but my mom will occasionally buy me shoes as a gift. the gesture's nice, and I appreciate being thought about, but she's in denial that i'm a child's size 2, and will always buy in women's size 3, even if I beg her not to. I don't immediately spurn the shoes, even if they're too big, so i'll slap them on for an outing, and then start hating the world roughly fifteen minutes in, because my oversized moron shoes have eliminated all the skin from the back of my heels, and are working hard on eviscerating the muscle layer, too. I just want nice things.

[OH BRUM]

god I fucking love birmingham. I think I could get shivved in that city and i'd be totally cool with it. even when I have a pretty underwhelming time there, it all evens out based on how much that craphole inspires me. I got takoyaki yesterday. i'm in love.

[AUGUST, TASTER OF PORK]

by far the worst part of covid is happening right now, after the actual illness has passed. either my house is permanently stained by the scent of processed hog, or my sense of smell has been warped just enough so that I may always be assaulted by the lingering smell of pork. it's driving me fucking insane.

[MY GODDAMN INTERNET]

for some fucked up reason, my internet provider has been super shit as of late. at the start of the month, there'd be frequent blackouts, and now as shit winds down, the connection speed is complete doodoo feces. now, I don't consider myself surgically attached to the web, not anymore anyway, but it's still massively inconvenient. i've burned through my whole DVD collection, because my plan this summer was to just bum off whatever movies I could scrounge off of youtube and the web archive. when I do have a connection, it's too poor to download shit for later. truly, nobody on this earth is suffering as much as I am right now.

[HAVING COVID]

covid's been a very boring illness. I don't get sick often, but when I do, that shit takes me out, so my best point of reference for illness is this devastating fever I had after last christmas. and boy, what a fuckin fever it was. I spent an uncertain length of time, more than five days for sure, drifting in and out of delirium fueled by cough syrup, vick's vapour rub, whatever pills were being left to me on my bedside cabinet at random intervals, and frequent sprays of grape-flavoured throat-numbing bullshit. it was glorious. I had this long, continuous dream throughout that I was in some borderlands-type shit. mordecai was there at least. in contrast, covid's just been boring as shit. lots of sittin' round. periodical refills of a hot water bottle to clear my sinuses. coughin'. watching movies. it's been a long week, and I wish I spent it having batshit crazy visions and dreams instead.

[ART CLASS 2]

once, during one of my many art class detentions, my mate niamh and my drug-mother came in and started fucking around with those pens you can stack. it was bananas. they had that shit up to the ceiling. of course, the art teacher came in and lost her shit at them, but those moments before they dropped the pen tower in shock were glorious.

[ART CLASS]

man, I keep fucking thinking about how stupid art class is for year sevens,(which in of itself is a bit of a stupid thought, considering that I haven't been a year seven in like eight years now,) and how you spend alot of time faffing about drawing generic facial features without actually developing basic observational skills. like, they tell you to fill in the iris with a bunch of lines, which is all well and good for grading motor skill development, but what good is filling in the iris when you can't identify and draw your own eye shape? more emphasis is put into drawing each individual strand of hair than actually figuring out how to draw the general shape of it. you gotta draw every crevice that could hypothetically be on your lips, without actually considering the differences in shape between your bottom and top lip. you end up focusing so much on detailing that your actual face gets lost in the mix. you mostly end up drawing this ghoulish idea of what your face is, as opposed to anything you think resembles YOU. it's fucking insane. and then, if you're especially fortunate, they'll pin up that drawing in one of the art rooms and forget to take it down until you're in year ten.

[BIRTHDAY]

I really hate my birthday. I dread it every year. I don't even know what I could do to make it not suck, because it always sucks. I remember the last time I enjoyed my birthday, my 15th- I went to alton towers. I don't remember a birthday I enjoyed before that, though, so that makes it the one good birthday I have in my head. if I could choose one thing to not happen this year, it'd be any kind of celebratory food. nothing i'm under any timed obligation to enjoy. maybe this year i'll just ask for a wad of cash and go into the city to buy every dumb knick-knack I can get my hands on.

[CLOTHES]

I find that i'm spending alot of time recently on making alterations to my clothes, because nothing fucking fits anymore. I ordered a bpoiler suit off depop, a child's size 9-10, and i'm still sitting here having to bring it in because it's too goddamn big. there's no point here. just rage.

[BRITISH RAIN]

when my american mate dee came to england, I told her british rain gives people cholera and that's why british weather's always joked about. she believed me.

[CHARACTER PLAYLISTS]

recently, I committed the greivous mistake of searching the dark realms of spotify for playlists themed around my beloved favourite obscure fictional wives n shit. the results shook me to my core. people who put barracuda on non-viktor umbrella academy character playlists need to stop and evaluate their shit. it's NOT OKAY dude. this is such a hyper-specific gripe. tldr- hmu for the alphonso playlist because my opinions are right and I refuse to get spotify.

[INTJs]

you sick freaks think you're SO SLICK. don't think I haven't noticed that, alongside my mockery of INTPs, that you INTJs just so HAPPEN to be on the uptick. my personal theory is that, to avoid my scorn, you're pretending you're a J-type rather than a P-type. I don't even know what that means, and neither do you, so i'm sure you think it's no big deal, and that nobody else has picked up on this sensation. i'm onto you, you bastards.

[RADIO]

I quite like the idea of having my own segment on a radio station, if only because it'd be fun to keep an audience captive with my horrible words and wacky music, but nobody listens to radio anymore, and I swear too much to be allowed on air, anyway. a gyorl can dream.

[ON THE SUBJECT OF GORILLAZ]

if you listen to dirty harry without the rap, you have no soul. you may have been born without it, or lost it at some point in your wretched little life, but it's certainly absent from your being, isn't it? get better taste.

[FUNNY FUNNY ANIMATED MONKEY BAND]

i've been on a major gorillaz kick, recently, triggered by a need to immerse myself in all things british before The American got here, and of course, alton towers happening. and, as I often am, I am filled with impotent rage at how the whole thing shook out. right now you can barely walk outside without stepping in a new bit of gorillaz content, hot off the presses, but in the post-plastic beach hiatus, it was like a fucking famine, man. back then it was just seething and malding about how plastic beach ended with a converse ad that wasn't even canon. crying about how gorillaz was over. wondering how the hell they would've tied up plastic beach after rhinestone eyes, and why the FUCK doncamatic was allowed to happen INSTEAD of rhinestone eyes. but then 2016 hit and we all started foaming at the brains because phase four was gonna happen, cos jamie's posting art dude! maybe the film's gonna come out! rise of the ogre TWO??? THE ENDING TO PLASTIC BEACH??? and then none of that happened. people have talked to death about if humanz is a good album or not, but from the lore and character standpoint, I do resent that phase wholly. I think along the way, somebody in marketing figured that people were RAVENOUS for lore, and that's why we keep getting all these different endings to cyborg noodle's plot, or why they keep setting shit up without resolving much of it, or why they keep reusing the iconography of the old albums to increasingly diminishing returns. i'm prepared to eat my words, though, because if this new cult business touches on what the fuck the tranz video was all about, i'll consider myself sated. somewhat. hell, i'll consider myself pleased if the name "cracker island" isn't a huge plot tease, and we recieve but a mere GLIMPSE of the original girlboss paula cracker. oh, paula. gorillaz truly is a pile of missed opportunities that enamours us all.

[ALTON TOWERS RIDE HIERARCHY]

I always have a hard time ranking the alton towers coasters, but I know for sure that nemesis is the objective best ride in the park, (exquisite theming, immaculate ride layout, retains a low queue all day through wizardly means,) and that my biased favorite usually flips between oblivion and rita. i'm head-over-heels for the smiler, but who isn't, and th13teen is my favorite ride to go on when i'm with somebody new to the park. wicker man's pretty much just alright by me, but that's probably cos i've only ever been on it twice. galactica is the clear loser here, by somehow having a worse retheme than rita, the worst aesthetic from all the coasters, AND by not even being able to retain its cashgrab retheme gimmick for more than two years. nice portal, moron!

[DUEL]

every time I go to alton towers, the one ride I go out of my way to get on every year is duel. nemesis, oblivion, the smiler- these come naturally, you really can't AVOID riding them. rita, thirteen- dependent on availability. galactica, wickerman- low priority, but if the queue's short, you might as well. duel, out of the way of what would otherwise be a smooth route through all the big seven coasters, is a cheesy little haunted house ride with these shit guns that barely work. and yet it endears me. between the broken effects and the stock zombie figures are the now neon-festooned remnants of the old alton towers haunted house, and seeing these ghoulish little guys still roughin' it after all these years always warms me heart. i'll be sad if the rumours are true, and this year's the last one we'll see the ride run in its current state beofre a retheme in the off-season. here's to hoping they'll restore ol' wardley's vision, and not shove the ghostbusters IP in there or something. I don't think my ever-so-fragile mental state will handle it if they kill doom and sons, too.

[THE MOST CALMING IMAGE OF ALL TIME]

[THE FOOL]

whenever I read my own tarot, back when I was all about that stuff, I'd constantly pull the fool. like, more than a reasonable amount. i'd shuffle the cards, riffle em, and the deck would always spit the fool out at me. wacky.

[BRITISH HIGH SCHOOLS]

one time my beloved american pal dee was asking about british high school shit so I lied and told her that every school has their own "soul chant", and that my school's chant was "pip pip shiree", and that at the end of every mass or assembly or sports day, we'd all stand up and yell "PIP PIP SHIREE!". she believed me wholeheartedly.

[YOUR HOST THIS EVENING]

the little guy dancing up there is one of my many few characters from those times I used to roleplay with my friends, Maltrankviliga. he's a former circus sideshow gorgon, and current accessory to crime. his greatest dream is to be on jackass, so nobody tell him jackass ended like twenty years ago, okay?

[THE FAULT IN OUR STARS]

when I read the fault in the stars, by opening my sister's copy on a random page and going from there, I assumed the main guy was a captain lou albano looking guy, because the narration would only call him "gus". the book was infinitely more entertaining this way, and I can't even begin to describe my disappointment when my sister found out I was reading it, and showed me the trailer for the upcoming movie. shit ruined my life. I haven't read it since.

[BOTTOM OF THE BACKPACK]

the bottom of the backpack page (if you haven't found it yet, you need a better sense of curiosity) is a holdover from when I first started my geocities archive spelunking and became a serious hoarder of gifs, and needed a place to dump them all before I died. two years later, i'm not all that fond of it, but I can't just fucking delete it, man! it's like my child. my idiot baby boy. maybe one day i'll get back into the swing of adding to it, but I really doubt that.

[THINGS I TRY AND DO AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR]

[♥] go to alton towers [♥] read fast times at ridgemont high [♥] watch lee hardcastle's ghost burger [♥] play fallout new vegas [♥] go to wales [♥] read 1984 [♥] read carrie [♥] bake a festivus meatloaf [♥] marathon my favorite simpsons episodes (with a different marathon for treehouse of horror)

[DNI]

I always wanted to do a gag DNI page, but i'm always put off by the idea that at least one person will take the DNI seriously, and that even more people will see the DNI link on the main page, and immediately turn the fuck around and leave. understandable. ditto goes for a gag kinlist, but i'll still do that, just make it a hidden page, like the strong bad shrine. woe betide you if you haven't found the strong bad shrine yet.

[HAIR FUNNIES]

if you're an astute scholar of augustaugust.neocities.org-ology, you should already know that, as it states on my information page, i'm bald. so, the kind of shit I can do with my hair is limited. I can already hear the familiar cries from the audience of "ooooUUUUEGHG, YOU COULD DYE IT! YOU COULD DYE YOUR STUBBLE!", and to that I say fuck you, because not only do I keep my head-stubble at a crisp 2mm, but I prefer to maintain that mint condition by shaving it at least twice a week. dying it is out of the question, because i'd end up shaving the colour out in like two days. but the boffins down at the lab (read: drunk me last night, that oh-so-savoury character) have hit a new development. as I was upending the bathroom in search of some bubble bath liquid, I happened upon a can of temporary black-coloured root-cover. yknow, the shit people who do dye their hair tend to use to keep their 'dos fresh. a brilliant idea struck my mind- I had a set of stencils in my room, which I THINK are for coffee art, and now I had a can of sprayable bullshit, too. anyway, I woke up this morning, and when I looked in the mirror, there was a smiley face on the side of my head. this truly is a new era in my life.

[FNVSHIT: DEAN DOMINO]

spoilers for a dlc that came out over a decade ago, but I was surprised to find out, after finishing it for the first time, that alot of people ended up having to kill dean domino. yeah, he's an uppity bitch, but I somehow got him to wholeheartedly trust me through never bothering to put any points into barter in my playthrough. wawaweewa.

[BETTY BOOP]

i've always had a bizarre sense of kinship with betty boop, (hence why she's the tab icon,) because I too just kind of meander into situations I oughtn't, and I too am charming in my own deformed way.

[NEWPIPE, MUSIC, AND WHY I HATE GOD]

there is nothing I hate more in the world than having to painstakingly rebuild a music collection. four years ago, my phone's decrepit old microsd shit itself, and I lost all of my iconic august jams. I spent that summer scouring old youtube accounts, written playlists, screenshots, and my own awful, awful memory to try and recreate the thousand-song-strong collection I had. and I didn't download albums either, so it was truly a matter of finding individual files. total shambles. and yet here I am again, having quit youtube because i'd rather burn the flesh off of my arm than face their algorithms and insipid as campaigns for but one more summer, and trying to get my bajillions of songs saved onto a playlist there for easy reference. utter faff. I wish my memory was just that much better, so that it'd be less of a wretched task.

[GAMING THE SYSTEM]

I figure that, if I were to put in the effort to create a script that automatically updates my site once every ten minutes or so, it'd rack up thousands upon thousands of views just by virtue of permanently being at the top of the "last updated" section. but that's the soulless way of getting shit done, or something.

[SECRET OBJECTS]

here's an advanced tip to those of you still in education: imagine your main classroom or learning area. most likely, there's a section at the very back of the room that's all shelves and boxes and cupboards n shit that you've ignored all year. the school year's wrapping up: go poking around in that place. boom. instant sense of wonder, instant amusement. you're welcome.

[RECURRING MOTIFS IN MY DREAMS]

when I remember my dreams, it's usually because they're about one of two things: -vacation -ripping out all of my teeth and i've chosen to take this to mean that the inside of my head looks like one of those all-inclusive holiday resorts, and that one day i'll wake up having actually ripped my teeth out. it never hurts in the dream, it's just an odd sensation, (I push the teeth back first, like they're loose baby teeth, and then just kind of pull them out from there,) but the worst part is that I can feel my gums in the gap. shit's fucked up.

[FNVSHIT: MR HOUSE]

this is a ""controversial"" """take""", but I always choose House's route in fnv, if i'm doing self-insert run. now, I may not know nothin' about geopolitics, but I do have an "I can fix him" complex, and by god, COULD I FIX MR HOUSE. you best believe that as soon as he starts thinking about going to kill the kings in the postgame, (striking a deal between them and the NCR for the benefit of freeside is NOT a sign of disloyalty holy SHIT DUDE,) i'd be advancing upon his corpse chamber and threatening to dump a bottle of coke over him unless he relented. this is how I intend to get my way in every diagreement i'd hypothetically have with him, until he eventually redevelops a kernel of humanity out of a need to survive. ideally, i'd have house doing his bigger-picture-let's-go-to-space bullshit, while I focused on making life less shit outside of the vegas strip. mostly for freeside, because goddamn is house on some idiot shit by not making freeside less horrible to live in. imagine you leave disneyland, and instead of seeing the lego store and planet hollywood, you're surrounded by starving children shivving eachother. just use some of that fresh NCR budget to get some infrastructure going. I could fix him