[YOUR HOST THIS EVENING]

[E TICKET ATTRACTIONS]
[ ♥ ] HOME
[ ♥ ] ABOUT
[ ♥ ] FILM CLUB
[ ♥ ] TUNES

[OTHER SUCH FUCKERY]
[ ♥ ] MISC RANTING
[ ♥ ] BLINKIES
[ ♥ ] INFPS
[ ♥ ] LOVE TESTER
[ ♥ ] LINKS
[ ♥ ] DIVIDERS
[ ♥ ] DRINKIN' GAME
[ ♥ ] DOLLMAKER
[THE AUGUST AUGUST FILM CLUB]
this is where I host my ever-flourishing film club, of which I am the only member. basically, whenever I watch a film, and can remember that I run this site, i'll log it here. sometimes I don't even talk about films here. any non-music media I imbibe is game, so you'll see TV shows, comics, the whole nine yards. feel free to recommend me shit.

[ ♥ ]----------------------[ ♥ ]

[ICE CREAM MAN]
clint howard is such a fucking legend for this one. his performance seals it alone. god. what a movie. when I first saw it in october, I was totally enamoured by the whole thing. I don't even wanna spoil a single detail over here, aside from that the asylum exterior is the same one from Halloween. THAT'LL win me next year's slasher trivioff FOR SURE.

[NATTY KNOCKS]
when this came on spooktober, I was gonna give it a miss, but then I saw bill moseley, so I hunkered down and watched it. it was a super unmemorable film, but boy do I love bill moseley, so nothing was wasted.

[SOUTH PARK: BIGGER LONGER & UNCUT]
the south park movie's always been my go-to "back to school" flick. I like to get a good viewing of it in before classes start again, and feel the pulse of my previous selves as they TOO steeled themselves for yet another year of education. this time, I saw it in cinema, which was mundo surrealo. but like every time before it, I laughed my ass off when conan o'brien kills himself.

[SCOTT PILGRIM]
the anime just dropped, and it was pretty good, so I reread the comics, and they're pretty good, and now I want a shitty hipster friendgroup. I wish hipsters never died out as a concept. the world feels so insular, everyone's a hipster in their own way, or they at least THINK so. something something we live in a society. something about the fashions in the comic really stand out to me, did all canadian women in 2005 wear the Big Coat/Little Skirt Combo that basically every female cast member dons? food for thought. i'm entirely convinced that the whole "girls wanna be like ramona flowers" thing is a fucking psyop, because there's not alot of personality going on with her aside from being all flighty/aloof and having dyed hair. or maybe that IS the whole point and i'm just too bald to understand it. whatever. julie powers for president.

[GYMKATA]
oh god, ok, so I only caught the last twenty minutes of this one on the ol' grindhouse, but GOD DAMN. this guy's just hanging out in some medieval village and he's going apeshit just throttling the local serfs. he WAS the gymkata.

[TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSCARE (AGAIN)
drayton sawyer is like a wife to me. idk. that's all i've got this time round.

[DEAD MAN ON CAMPUS]
all I could think of during this movie was how much my sister would love it. and that's a good thing! she has good taste. the soundtrack's sweet too, but that's a given cuz i'm pretty sure this is an MTV original. I dunno man, I watched it in like July and its November right now. give me a break.

[INFRAMAN]
fuck OFF ultraman, this is an INFRAMAN EXCLUSIVE ZONE. extremely endearing kung-fu cheese with mandatory kaiju clownery. a new go-to during bleary slumps.

[THE FNAF MOVIE]
aggressively medicore. I got super stoned before going to see this on opening night, expecting to be either harrowed or entertained. I was neither. I was bored. only once has a movie managed to give me such nothing, and that was biodome. you heard it here first, people, FNAF and BIODOME are on the same level of enjoyment.

[MAD LOVE]
I am not convinced that this movie WASN'T made for me. somebody in the production of this movie had a crystal ball, and used its soothsaying abilities to pander directly to me. I have an insane pavlovian reaction to any mentions and references and similarities to the tale of pygmalion. oh, to be obsessed. oh, to be the object of obsession.

[CRACK-UP]
like arsenic & old lace, go in BLIND. peter lorre slides in and steals the whole movie, and I wholly welcome it. motherfucking colonel gimpy, man. who let him look directly at the camera so much? who do I have to thank here.

[ARSENIC & OLD LACE]
oh, I will ALWAYS love movies that keep the sitiation snowballing. I had the joy of going into this totally blind, (only knowing, of course, that my recently-beloved peter lorre was in it,) and promptly got wiped the fuck out by the sheer hilarity of it all. i'm keeping my decriptions vague in the hope that you too watch it without any prior knowledge. shoutout to teddy.

[THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH]
like so many before me, I am now utterly enchanted by peter lorre. I am under his bug-eyed spell.

[THE MAGIC ROUNDABOUT]
I haven't been fucked to go watch movies for a while, so I figured i'd try an old classic: get high and watch a vaguely remembered childhood film. the symbology of the magic roundabout in my mind will only be privy to myself, and the plot will only be known by people who were not high during the rewatch, because HOLY SHIT IS THIS MOVIE UNFOLLOWABLE. keep in mind I could totally comprehend metropolis while at least twice as wasted; the magic roundabout simply makes no fucking sense. scenes just came and went. the rabbit kept making weed jokes, the snail wanted to fuck the cow, and I really truly thought that the film was building up to redeeming dougal, but that shit never happened. i'm pretty sure they hung out at a volcano at some point. the little village where the roundabout is remains incredibly comfy, and I have decided to forget everything else presented to me during the runtime.

[CLONE HIGH SEASON 2]
as a hipster scumbag, I can't quite articulate how bizarre it was to live through the clone high meme renaissance after many, MANY years of badgering my friends to watch the show. I even showed my sister the first episode way back when, to a solid "meh" response, and yet there that beast sat, showing me the oft-replayed "nothing bad EVER happens to the kennedys!" clip. as if I didn't know. as if I wasn't in the fuckin trenches. and even now, words fail me as I try to understand what the showrunners are trying to do with this season. we're eight episodes down, and the whole thing's nutty. we've been so drowned in new characters that the pre-existing season 1 clones barely interact with eachother, with the exception of Joan and JFK. good god, Joan and JFK. everyone is turboshitting about those two. I was never invested in their potential relationship at the end of season 1, and none of the ample screentime it gets this season has enchanted me. so much of them for so little payoff. i'm watching for anyone BUT those two, at this point. Cleo got an episode that sucked, but is sort of getting back into the scene at the end of the season. Abe, because the writers bought into popular sentiment, is now just this awful pile of suffering. the new clones are varying shades of "who cares" to "you're fine I GUESS.". these two newest episodes are maybe the best of the lot? but the bar's been pretty low. probably the worst issue is that the writers keep forgetting to make characters interact with eachother at all. cleo and abe were a THING at the end of last season. they nearly fucked, cleo got spurned. HUGE drama potential there. MASSIVE melodrama potential. the writing team, however, whiffed it so hard that I don't think abe and cleo even spoke to eachother this season. maybe the root issue is that cleo keeps getting shafted. without spoilers, she's now in another romance plot, so I guess that shit's never gonna be acknowledged ever again. ghandi's gone too but you already knew that.

[OLD]
this was soooooo passable until the pre-requisite twist kicked in, but I will commend this stupid twist for never explaining WHY the beach is fucked up. or maybe it did, and I clocked out at that point. when the guy from hereditary showed up, you bet your ass I was pointing and hooting and hollering.

[THE FIFTH ELEMENT]
saw this at a point in the year where I was absolutely not going to appreciate it. possibly the most miserable i've ever been during a movie. the fholston paradise is real dreamlike, though, so the film warrants a rewatch.

[CHEECH & CHONG'S NICE DREAMS]
I caught the ass-end of this one on cytube yesterday (this is how I watch most films, these days) and attempted to appreciate its vibe. shit, I love summer, summer-movies, anything about vacation and tropical business, so the twenty minutes of hotel shenanigans I got were pretty alright. definitely could've used some context, though, so perhaps i'll rewatch this whole deal one day, and figure out why pee-wee herman had their money. chong seems to be absurdly OP in comparison to cheech; hopefully a balance update will drop to remedy the discrepancy.

[CLERKS]
I finally watched clerks! and it was just okay. randal is the joker of 90's slacker culture.

[AUSTIN POWERS]
i'm going to try and psyop everyone on campus into picking up austin powers lingo. if I do one thing this semester, it's gonna be bringing the phase "that's not my bag, baby!" into the limelight.

[THE DEVIL'S REJECTS]
bill moseley's charisma is off the fucking CHARTS for making otis unhateable. like he does some repugnant shit and all you can think is "oh, that SCAMP."

[HACKERS]
so why the fuck don't any 90s-tech hackergamer nightclub hotspots exist in my radius? holy shit. I want to LIVE there. they've got MANNEQUINS and ROLLERBLADING RAMPS and A BIG SCREEN.

[METROPOLIS]
another "I got stoned to watch this" movie. my comprehension level was SO HIGH watching all the shit going down. this movie throws ALOT of concepts at you as if they're normal, and by god, was I accepting them as normal! if you want to experience true terror, watch the bit where the children are about to drown in the underground city. the fear was PALPABLE.

[PCU]
i'l be blunt. I remember nothing from this movie. I was stoned off my ass the whole time watching it. all I remember is that every social group fucking unites to hunt down this one guy, warriors-style. the main character was very balding. solid 6/10.

[REBEL HIGH]
I have a soft spot for movies about wild,anarchic highschools, no matter how shitty they may be. and this one sucked in the way I enjoy. at one point, a nerd calls HP sauce "hot pussy sauce", and boy, I tell ya, that shit had me ROCKIN.

[BIODOME]
I FINALLY WATCHED BIODOME! AND IT FUCKING SUCKED! this whole time I thought it was gonna be good-bad, but instead it was terrible-bad. how, in the year 1996, do you botch a movie so badly that even the big party scene falls flat?

[BAD BOY BUBBY]
fucking beautiful and bizarrely optimistic movie. ish. if you can stomach the first ten minutes, (a grim ten minutes they be,) you'll be able to mentally handle the rest of it. I can't put into words how uneasy this shit will make you.

[IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA'S NEWER SEASONS]
I probably got into it's always sunny when I was 13, while danny devito was ascending to godhood. it proved an incredible cure-all for all the shit I hated about the sitcoms on E4, lacking any of the schmaltz or lame jokes or ploys to get you emotionally invested, but somehow maintaining heart though all the infinite bastardtry. yes, a loyal viewer, a diehard fan I was, at least until my piracy app broke after season 12 and I lost track of the series. UNTIL NOW!!!!! through some bizarre twist of fate, my sister took my recommendation of the series seriously, and now she is a bona-fide sunnyhead, possibly even more than I was back in highschool. while I lack the patience to get into the podcast or any non-show ephemera, my sister wallows in it, and even does me the kindness of showing me the gut-busting moments if and when they show up. and now we're coming up to the end of a rewatch of the series that's spanned the summer, which means i'm back in the realm of unknown sunny content. i'm almost shocked out how much shit those wacky characters can STILL get away with in Current Year, and the insane fucking budget with which to do it. the whole detective noir episode really stands out as just a batshit cool concept, that you just KNOW the cast had been dreaming of doing for a while. and we get SO MUCH CRICKET. cricket was never my favorite side character, artemis dubois holds my heart in her mystical vicegrip, but we get alot of High Quality Cricket in the newer seasons, for which i'm grateful. dee also gets a really fuckin good showing, as I am now fully endeared by everyone's (least) favorite bird, even as she grows more reprehensible through the years. yes, I believe I may indeed be entering my dee reynolds stan era.

[CRAPSTON VILLAS]
possibly the most realistic depiction of british life to be committed to film. i'm not even kidding. the puppet designs, courtesy of spitting image, are almost beautiful in how wretchedly ugly they are. every environment is tangibly grungy. everyone is miserable AND an asshole. classic claymation moments.

[TERKEL IN TROUBLE]
no word of a fucking lie, the english dub of this movie has been my white whale for a while. I couldn't find this bullshit ANYWHERE, not in ANY CORNER OF THE WORLD OR WEB, until two days ago. and it sucked so hard that I had to quit halfway through. this is not a movie to be suffered sober or alone. you spend the whole time waiting for them to get to the proverbial fireworks factory, and i'm not sure they ever actually do. shit just kind of happens and it MIGHT be building up to something, but I sure as fuck don't know yet. to be continued. ADDENDUM: shucks, it won me over. they throw an insane curveball twist (not the big one), get in a couple genuinely visually nice sequences, (which is a REAL FUCKING ACHIEVEMENT FOR THIS SHIT, IT'S SO UGLY!) and even bust out the BANGER OF THE CENTURY. my new white whale is a hq version of "piss off and die", cause that's gonna be stucm in my head til the end of september, watch.

[REPO! THE GENETIC OPERA]
this movie felt simultaneously seven years and seven minutes long. they just don't make goth filums like they used to, this shit's all vibes with optional substance.

[DELTA HOUSE]
I told myself I wouldn't add an entry for delta house, the aforementioned animal house spinoff, but goddamn does this silly little show give me one fuckin case of the smiles. it's CRIMINAL that this business didn't get another season due to network fuckery, even when they toned down the raunchier aspects of the original film for the sake of getting aired on TV. d-day remains top fucking tier, like I think the writers really fell in love with him too, because the guy gets heaps of brilliant moments. they even managed to get a pretty decent replacement for belushi, which must've been true agony for the casting director.

[ANIMAL HOUSE]
I am in love with this goddamn movie. I want to walk down the aisle to this film, do you understand me? shit's pure hijinks. pure shenanigans. PEAK ENSEMBLE CAST. good god. the joy I felt when I found out this shit got a tv show spinoff was indescribable. I love how it's a very blatantly 70's movie masquerading as a 60's movie. what a fucking decade for film. d-day is so blatantly my type that I demand compensation.

[SCREAM]
I called it that billy mceyeballs and shaggy from scooby doo were gonna be the killers. I feel a metaspiritual connection to randy, and his perpetual rage about moviefilms.

[NOPE]
what the fuck was up with the fucking starlight lasso bit. if you've seen the movie, you know what i'm on about. shit was so jarring. the inside shot. the reveal that the noises you've been hearing through the film are screams of agony and terror. holy fuck.

[DROP DEAD FRED]
finally, a film for all the tulpa bitches out there!

[GHOST WORLD]
seymour was a bizzare choice of character to throw in, but I dig it I guess? I think i'm just biased towards pathetic men, though. watching him get his little ol' heart broke killed me. of course, this doesn't make me biased against enid at all, because she fucking rules and deserves the world probably. a manic pixie dream girl icon for us ALL. shoutout to the fuckin convenience store guy who shows up for like three minutes tops, yet enamoured me nonetheless. i feel like the heart of the story really should've stayed on enid & rebecca's relationship though, because in the comics, you get alot more devastating moments between the two, and everyone else in the story feels alot more irrelevant, which fits with how little the duo gives a fuck about them.

[GENTLEMEN PREFER BLONDES]
somewhat blown away by how many times this movie made me laugh. maybe you golden oldie motherfuckers have the right idea.

[FEELS GOOD MAN]
i've only managed to see roughly eleven minutes of this move, five minutes of which i've seen thrice, (blame my crummy wifi,) but I feel like I already get the gist. matt furie, bless his catatonic-seeming soul, has spent the whole thing either giving us his manic pixie dream cartoonist backstory (which I love,) or pretending that he has no fucking clue about what's going on with the whole pepe thing. i'll come back when i'm in greener times and I can watch the rest of it, but so far, my hopes be low.

[FAT GUY GOES NUTZOID]
a funnier title than a funny movie, that's for sure. the fat guy BARELY goes nutzoid. the little interview segment at the start of the youtube copy got more yuks outta me than the whole rest of the upload. any movie you imagine in your head based on the title will utterly mog the actual product.

[THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE]
rewatching this was a treat, mostly because since I last tuned into the sawyer family's original funnytime, i'd forgotten most of the shit that went down. like, for example, I completely blocked out that nubbins just fucking explodes the picture of franklin, and that franklin in particular cannot let go of this fact, meanwhile everyone else in the group couldn't give less of a shit about him. I also really downplayed in my mind how batshit the dinner scene is, which you might've been able to tell from my writeup of the sequel. the sequel is like if you focused particularly on the hitchhiker and dinner scenes, and wrote a movie building on that business as opposed to the more mellow segments in this one.

[FEAR STREET: 1978]
since i've been on a massive summer-camp-horror kick recently, I decided to finally cave to my sister's demands and watch fear street. just one of them. and I gotta say, for everything this one gets right, it misses the mark on something else. the late 70s atmosphere is notably absent, bar a few haircuts and generic soundtrack moments, which really fucking threw me, because after watching this shit my sister got way into the idea of summer camp slasher happenings. but then she never did watch any of the classic "bad thing happens at summer camp in the 70s/80s" movies after this, so now i'm left wondering what the hell she managed to get out of the film.

[ANT]
ok, so you see the fuckin cover of this comic, and you think "well this is gonna be some good dumb b-hero fun. surely noboody's gonna try and tell a serious story with a character so clearly designed and posed as pure fetish shit-" AND YOU'RE WRONG, BECAUSE BOY DO THEY FUCKING TRY AND TELL A SERIOUS STORY WITH THAT THING! and it just keeps getting worse, like you keep waiting for the schlocky action to happen- and you do get it in small chunks- but the majority of the comic is about this little girl who, for some bizarro reason, envisions her older self to be ant. the thing on the cover. or at least that's how it ends up coming across. conceptually, it could've worked, right. it could've worked if only the artist held back on the horny for just ONE FUCKIN RUN OF COMICS, DUDE. on paper, a little girl with no agency dreaming of the day she becomes this all-powerful hero, that's alright. but then the art goes "YEAHHHH, AND THIS LITTLE GIRL'S POWER FANTASY- IT'S GOT- I MEAN SHE'S LIKE NAKED AND IN A GIMP SUIT AND HER- OH HER TITS ARE MASSIVE AND YOU- YES THERE ARE ASS SHOTS, MY GUY! YESSIR". it's like if a drama comic came out with a deformed superhero conjoined twin, or vice versa. shit would've been better with either half separated and allowed to grow into its own thing.

[THE NAPOLEON DYNAMITE COMIC]
it sucked.

[SPY KIDS]
now, I have no idea what I thought spy kids was about, but I didn't expect ANY of this shit. every couple of seconds is another completely left field development. I had no fucking clue that not only danny trejo was in it, but also that he's literally machete. from machete. shit rocked my fragile little brain. AND THE FOOGLIES??? I feel like we don't talk about the fooglies enough, as a society, because holy FUCKING CHRIST. the design on those things just absolutely shits on all attempts to create new icons of horror. the set design was just batshit insane, too. a very orange and purple movie. i'm glad to have seen it after apparently missing out as a child.

[THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE 2]
I know people who were way into the first one were probably foaming at the mouth in disappointment at this, but shit, it's a buncha dumb fun. how could anyone hate chop top? simply how. it's the opposite of scary, but hell, if it entertains, it entertains, does it not?

[BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA]
movies where shit just keeps on building own me. it's the frenetic pace. the constant need to be rescuing people and trucks. the wacky fucking fight scenes. those three elemental guys who wreck everyone's shit whenever they're onscreen un til the heroes simply must defeat them. god. the film's gold, I say. GOLD.

[ELVIRA, MISTRESS OF THE DARK]
if orgazmo thrust a dark curse upon me, elvira annointed me with some strange blessing. and that blessing was the desire to become a TV movie block host. fuckin blessed.

[RETURN TO SLEEPAWAY CAMP]
who said horror sequels always suck? this is my new favourite in the whole sleepaway camp campchise, but that's probably just my bias towards mid 2000s bullshit jumping out. weed did nothing wrong. they try and clown you around by pretending the killer is anyone but angela, but you KNOW she's knocking about. we KNOW it isn't alan, who might just qualify for the worst character in all of film. oh noooo. I feel so bad that this tremendous moron is getting hecking bullied! see, he's charming in how he harangues the girls at camp into going to isolated forest places with him, and bullies every small child in his vicinity. it's not at all cathartic to see the rest of the lads circle him with paintball guns and empty the clips, no sir. i'm not saying every victim should be perfect, but they totally forgot to give alan a single likeable trait outside of his frog obsession. they try and parallel angela and alan and it doesn't fucking work because, as we all know, angela did nothing wrong. at least, not until she showed up to defend that alan shithead, but that can be excused by the fact that this isn't the peter-angela we've been following through the series, but apparently the REAL angela, who is alive and well somehow. crazy. shoutout to the dedication of the teen boys at camp who, alongside the co-ordinated paintgun assassination from earlier, also organized to surround alan's cabin to chant "blowjob" at him in the dead of night. fucking brilliant.

[SLEEPAWAY CAMP III]
ok, so this time she did sort of head out with the INTENTION of murder, but we're three-for-three for her doing nothing wrong. if we're not counting that hair, anyway, because jee-ZUS does she get a hair downgrade in this film.

[SLEEPAWAY CAMP II]
yet again, angela did nothing wrong! all she wanted to do was be the best heckin camp counselor of all time, and the immorality of her wards was their own undoing. society just hates to see a quirky girl win.

[CHEERLEADER CAMP]
man, what is UP with summer camp films focusing on the wrong characters? the main girl in this one was so fuckin boring. I would've killed for a movie about the big guy or even the mascot girl or just ANYONE who wasn't the main girl. she could've been more unhinged. so much more unhinged for the amount of shit she goes through. if I hear the duahahahah sound effect ever again I'll die.

[THE DIRTIES]
one of my most coveted items of clothing is, in true missing the point fashion, the "we're just here for the bad guys" shirt. I used to know a guy who was basically exactly like matt, and I hope he's doing alright out in the world.

[ORGAZMO]
in england, we just had a pretty hefty heatwave, so I naturally coped by drinking and watching moviefilums. at some point in the boil, I slapped this on from my ever-growing YouTube Free Movies playlist, and BOY was I surprised to see the iconic south park boys do some craaaaazy shit! I think watching it placed a curse on my soul, as I woke up later that night in a cold sweat, with a sense of dread so deep, I felt compelled to go sit in the garden for half an hour and ruminate on the state of my life. I could only see two stars in the sky. eventually, the nausea grew too much and I waited til daybreak sitting on the floor of my bathroom, heaving up vomit that would never come. whenever choader boy spoke in that stupid fucking superhero voice, it killed me.

[THE HOUSE]
man what the FUCK was the rat man's problem. like yeah the home invasion shit was crazy, but I think we oughta acknowledge that he was apparently deluding himself into thinking he was fucking his dentist for weeks at that point. man dunked a chocolate bar into a wine glass. evil.

[DISASTER MOVIE]
sometimes you need to watch a movie that's simply unarguably terrible, as a palate cleanser. and then you must purge all memory of this movie from your mind. i'll curse this thing for having gotten ONE laugh out of me, and that was that goddamn ending song. a true anthem to shitty movies worldwide.

[CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH]
I wanna smoke the shit that made the cretins go crazy. scarcely in cinema will a teen gang have as much raw swag as those motherfuckers.

[THAT THING YOU DO!]
the travoltas covered the titular song, but I had no idea it was a cover until it was too late. the bass player, as is the case in most any situation, is the most based member of the band, with greg heffleys dad coming in as a close second.

[SLEEPAWAY CAMP]
fuuuuuck is this a film I love. pure stupid slasher funtime bullshit. COMPLETE WITH A RANDOM TWIST THAT YOU'LL TOTALLY NEVER SEE COMING!!! it's one of my go-to flicks to watch during that part of summer when the wifi gets all crummy, as I have a super fucked up 240p version saved for some reason. and I can't just delete it now, it's like my only child at this point. angela did nothing wrong. her insane aunt, however, somehow managed to do everything wrong, but i'll allow it because she's an icon and I love her.

[THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY SEASON 3]
as somebody who's never felt particularly attached to the actual umbrella academy siblings, I do my classic idiot move every season of choosing a couple random ensemble members to focus on, to varying degrees of failure. season one- hazel and cha-cha. focus being on the "and cha-cha". season two- the swedes. olga for olga. this time, I figured I couldn't possibly go wrong by choosing a member of the sparrow academy. surely, they would get some good development. surely, surely, SURELY this wouldn't backfire on me. I chose alphonso, and by extension by virtue of their incredible broship, jayme. i'm bereft. i'm destroyed. I can't believe I did it AGAIN. FUCK DUDE! CAN WE GET A SPINOFF SO I FEEL VINDICATED JUST ONCE, PLEASE? PLEASE.

[PUNISHMENT PARK]
probably one of the top ten most stress-inducing movie endings of all time. nancy was a fucking legend. can't really get into it too hard, because this shit's good and I don't wanna spoil it, but it's a real bummer how futile everything is.

[MR. MIKE'S MONDO VIDEO]
TLDR- golden age snl cast members clown on mondo cane for an hour. shit's funny, but you seriously need the context of mondo films to get the most yuks out of this one. they kind of blew their load by putting the church of the jack lord bit so early, because it's easily the best segment.

[RISE OF THE ZOMBIES]
MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN. I fell for the oldest trick in the book- watching a movie because danny trejo is the guy on the cover. he dies like half an hour in. this movie got me so pissed. in a good ensemble zombie film, you should be attached to the group you're following, because then when they die, you'll feel anguish. good anguish. instead, this shit sheds characters CONSTANTLY and at random. by the time the plot's moving, you've got eight characters to follow, which splits into two teams of four because of some bullshit forced leadership struggle conflict. and then everyone on the B team dies instantly. and then the A team starts dropping characters too. and then they find a pregnant woman and she dies or whatever. it's fucked, because a few characters are set up to have traits and motivations or whatever, and then it's dropped because they get killed in a very unimpressive way. you don't even feel sadness, but rage for having wasted your time with these random dickheads you don't even care about. I think they were starting to go down a religious conflict route, but I quit the film shortly after the pregnant lady died.

[THE STUFF]
this was alright, it was fine, but it really needed MORE. like, if you've seen it, you'll know what I mean. the whole investigation bit feels a little stupid when we, the viewer, already KNOW where the stuff comes from, and the demonstrations of the parasite fall short after that guy gets got by the dog. I think if the faff was shorter, and we got more heinously terrible practical effects, this would be the coolest shit ever. i'll admit the final third is fucking class though, and any time you spend with chocolate chip charlie is a good time indeed.

[GOTH]
it's been a while since I indulged in some PROPER schlocky horror, and BOY does goth hit the bill. like all good terrible horror, the director clearly had his dick in his hand the whole film. our antagonist is a woman named goth, who is a goth, has the word goth tattooed on her chest, and is obsessed with being a "true goth", which entails unspeakable crimes and a bizarre fixation on cuckoldry. shit's insanely stupid. it's not even that FUN, which is the worst crime a film like this can commit. if you're anything like me, you'll dip as soon as they introduce a mystery backstory element, because at that point you can tell that they've run out of shit they're willing to do with the premise. what i'm saying is that I could do this better. give me a weekend.

[ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES: MIAMI TWICE]
i've never seen only fools and horses before, but this was pretty alright. there were yuks! there were laffs! there were gaffs! the first part's apparently just a normal episode of the show, but then in the second it becomes a wacky comedy about two british guys going to miami and getting involved in da mob. the contrast between late 80s miami, which is basically gta vice city, and late 80s britain, which is just more of 70s britain, was immaculate. I think "british people going on holiday" is my favorite niche film genre.

[THIS IS ENGLAND]
my dad talks about his youth sometimes, and I hope it was more like the first third of this one rather than the last two. fuck dude, shit gets real heavy REAL QUICK. you'll probably need to read up on context of british skinhead culture before going into this one though, because everything is presented without explanation. without spoilers, I have no fucking clue how the kid's mom apparently ended up being none-the-wiser to all of the shit that went down, especially when this fuckin. ten year old child is presumably coming home crossfaded every night after comitting hatecrimes. you spend alot of the film waiting for a confrontation between the kid and his mom, and it just doesn't happen.

[NAPOLEON DYNAMITE]
here's a movie I like to watch at least once a year, because it reminds me to appreciate the mundane day-to-day bullshit. life's quirky, enjoy it!

[TAKESHI'S CASTLE]
words cannot describe how much I love takeshi's castle. the british release, natch, because if you're not experiencing craig charles' delight whenever some random japanese character falls into ""the drink"", you're not watching the right version. growing up, I always wanted to be one of the castle guards, and I would honestly still love to have a job where you dress in silly outifts and bludgeon innocent people with props. what a life. recently, i've been rewatching it all on youtube, cuz SHOCK AND HORROR, dave doesn't air the episodes in chunks on sunday mornings anymore. fucking evil.

[PICK-UP SUMMER]
pretty forgettable, but the soundtrack's pretty sweet, and they even snuck a real nice carnival scene in it. s'alright. wimpy's the supreme gigachad of the tale. I kinda wish the whole thing was just about wimpy and the bikers, because aside from me being aesthetically biased towards the carnival shit, the main two couples are just kind of "eh". I mean, the designated guy best friend character's alright, but that's mostly just because he serves double duty in also being a total freak of nature. tell a lie, whenever they fucked with the rich guy-"we're a three excalibur family, now."- that was pretty funny. the hotdog scene is, i'll reluctantly admit, a fucking classic. frankly, the movie's a big excuse just to show tits at a time when not alot of people knew tits existed or something.

[THE ABOMINABLE DR PHIBES]
this movie really spoke to me, and it said "get you a man who will avenge your manslaughter through biblical means".

[THE WARRIORS]
you know when you're watching a movie with an ensemble cast, so at the start you arbitarily choose one character to latch onto, and pray for the best? I chose fox. i'm still not okay. and, y'know, i'd accept it, right? i'd be cool about it. i'd just mourn and continue. but the problem is that NOBODY LEARNS FROM THEIR MISTAKES. so mercy shows up, and gets the lads into hot water- any sane motherfucker would LEAVE HER WHERE THEY FOUND HER, and yet instead, the warriors bring her along for basically no fucking reason, and she proceeds to be a complete load the whole time. I don't like ragging on women characters in film, but holy SHIT, is mercy the worst part of this movie. otherwise i'm way about it, and up until roughly half an hour in, it totally would've been in my top ten, but the characters hit a point of stupidity that I can't get over. we needed more of those immaculate fight scenes, and less groaning and rolling your eyes as you witness the squad end up in yet another totally avoidable bullshit. shoutout to rembrandt though, who became my second focus guy, and was apparently the only motherfucker in the group with his head screwed on right.
[EDIT: just read the original script. now, I may be biased as an OFFICIAL THE FOX FROM THE WARRIORS 1979 STAN, but the romance between him and mercy is honestly a little more believeable than what we got with she and swan. they get a few more little moments to get shit across. he even mentions the fact that she's a complete jinx! the script even gives a reason why they took her- as a potential trade to get out of trouble. I can't believe swan lost that huge fucking prison break bit just for the sake of the romance with mercy subplot. fuck me man. I can't get over how cyrus's replacement is literally called "THE SECOND CYRUS". I also read the comics: the official adaptation is unremarkable, and i'd like to have a sten word with the storyboarder over what scenes he felt were worth focusing on, (ajax flipping off the turnbulls is reduced to a background gag, for instance,) but jailbreak was fuckin sweet- whoever wrote it definitely knew which aspects of the film to play up.]

[KEVIN & PERRY GO LARGE]
i've tried to watch this movie like three times, and today's the first time I actually got through the whole thing. and it's basically a huge fuckin madness. it's like if classic british and american sex comedies came together, had an ugly baby, and raised it in the basement out of shame for what they had wrought onto the world. and yet, i'm endeared towards this bastard child. it got some chuckles out of me. perry has one of the best villain arcs in all of cinema. this shit's gross tho

[SIX STRING SAMURAI]
mannnnnnnnnnnnn. I was so ready to be SO INTO this movie, but it just didn't click for me. it's got ALL THE ELEMENTS of shit I like, right down to the presence of vegas, the banger soundtrack, and the batshit fight scenes, and yet I just wasn't into it. maaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAN. if I had to pinpoint one thing that killed it for me, it's probably that tagalong screeching child. god. he isn't even that annoying, but the kid really just drags shit along.

[CLOSING SHIFT]
on the evening of the sunday, which, for those of you not in the know, was the day of the worst weed hangover of my life, I decided that a great way to lull myself into one of those all-night slumbers was watch one of those internet streamer men play a menial game for idiots. and because i'm not as above popular sentiment as I may believe, my first port of call was jerma. I think he's kind of mid, like the dollhouse stream was a funny concept n all that, but otherwise he's best digested in image meme format, or in missions such as this. what I didn't know is that closing shift is a j-horror game, (and I wouldn't know this until, like, the last twenty minutes of the game,) and that it would ruin me even worse than I already WAS. so, dear readers, picture yet again, me huddled under the sheets, absolutely fixated on jerma trying to run this horrible little sepia toned coffee shop, wrecked out of my mind, and then shit gets REAL. had some real incredible dreams afterwards though.

[MEATBALLS]
this movie should've been about Spazz and Fink. I said what I said. I didn't give half a rat's fuck about bill murray or roxanne or the kid nobody likes, because literally everyone else was busy stealing the show. the cits dude!!! fucking hardware's knocking about, and we're gonna focus on SOME RANDOM KID HAVING LOW SELF ESTEEM? jeezus. i'll admit, murray sells it as the laid-back p.a. guy, but he soaks up too much of the plot. leave in the IT DOESN'T MATTER bit though, that's great. but shit dude, I was SO INVESTED IN Spazz! the stacking scene felt like a real weak payoff to the buildup that he's the Guy Nobody Likes. hell, he didn't even win that on his own merit, because the sabotage attempt on him backfired on the other guy. what i'm saying is that Spazz got robbed. Fink was cool too. my sister is gonna love this shit though, because she's all about summered camps and bill murray and whatnot.

[MICROWAVE MASSACRE]
i'm not even gonna pretend that i've seen this recently, but this entry is moreso a cry for help than anything. has ANYBODY else seen this fucking movie? back in the golden days where none of my classes were at 8am, and i'd have a few hours in the morning before college to schlub around, i'd find a random flick on youtube and watch it. this is one of those movies, and it's BATSHIT INSANE. i'm not even gonna spoil it, it's still on youtube afaik so you can check it out yourself, but I shit you not when I claim this movie has some of the most incredible pacing and tonal whiplash of all time.

[THE CABLE GUY]
so I need to get better at choosing movies to get high too. and my friends need to warn me when the jim carrey comedy is actually a psychological horror. I comprehended nothing from this film except the whole goddamn thing. and I KNOW it wasn't just the weed that made it seem that the cable guy really wanted to fuck matthew broderick. I KNOW. how did the karaoke scene basically last half the movie, too? what the fuck was up with that. how many times has the cable guy even pulled this whole schtick, like how many of the people at that karaoke party were there under extreme duress? I got super hung up on the implications at play throughout the whole thing. I almost missed the point of the ending because I got too into the thought that he's gotta maintain the blackmail dossiers on like a dozen and a half people. shit. I was gonna watch six string samurai after this, but I got too heavy and ended up watching a longplay of the stanley parable, which sent me on levels. then I woke up with cold sweats and general vision blur the next morning. don't do drugs, kids. or do. they're pretty fun.

[AMERICAN PSYCHO]
boy oh boy, I finally watched the big funny meme film, and yes dear readers, it WAS big funny indeed!

[MACHETE]
this is one of those incredible, magical movies that had me saying "oh, no FUCKING WAY DUDE" every three minutes. this shit had basically everything, but most notably danny trejo just CONSTANTLY improvises weapons. and the blood effects are just IMMACULATE. no spoilers, but they do something real incredible with intestines in this movie. cheech, yes, THAT CHEECH, is a priest who gets some of the best scenes in the whole damn thing. the plot's all about the mexican border and the politics about that, and as a random white bitch from england, I'm really underequipped to commentate on it aside from a general "shit's crazy". there's a bizarre parallel to ace ventura here in that every woman in the movie wants to fuck machete. shit's relatable. you'll see this man try and text and you'll begin foaming at the mouth in desire. one day i'm gonna get real fucked up in the head and write the ace ventura machete crossover the world needs. then you'll be sorry.

[ACE VENTURA: PET DETECTIVE]
oh, shit, it's the other unexpectedly horny movie I watched tonight! all three women in this movie wanna fuck ace ventura, who is jim carrey at what may be PEAK face flexibility. make no mistake here folks, ace ventura FUCKS. WELL. that's the main takeaway here. ace ventura himself is kind of a bitch but the ladies are all-up-ons so who even CARES DUDE. he solves a dolphin crime. he's like L from deathnote but for chads and not idiot weebs.

[STARSKY & HUTCH]
I won't lie. I only watched this because of the ben stiller and owen wilson busts from problem sleuth. god, I love problem sleuth. film was alright.

[JOHN WATER'S HAIRSPRAY]
alot hornier than I thought it'd be. I think the future musical adaptations really needed the bite that john waters threw down here though. shit like amber leaning over during the dance just to call tracy a whore. totally out of pocket, but hilarious.

[THE YOUNG ONES]
one day i'll do a full balls-to-the-wall writeup on this show, but until then, i'll just say that neil dropping the lentils still kills me. peak british comedy.

[CHINA IL]
ICU AT UCI MAN, ICU AT UCI. everyone make the fucking way for the single most underrated adult swim show they got. venture bros is a beloved cult classic, moral orel appears to be having its moment in the sun with the youtube algorithm, metalocalypse will always have a legion of fans who wanna fuck those crazy dethklok guys, (of which I am one, excuse you.) but china il just doesn't get any fuckin love. and that's criminal for how insanely good it is. brad neely and whoever ended up on his team of crazy writers really cranked out a good one, but that's to be expected of mr. creased comics. speaing of, i'd hate to ever meet my heroes, but i'd really like to give neely a stern talking to about not actually having the creased comics ON the creased comics site anymore. THE ARCHIVE BARELY HAS ALL OF THEM, BRAD! WHERE THE FUCK IS QUEEBLO TWO, BRAD????? but I digress. china il takes the beloved professor brothers and the even more beloved baby cakes, and fleshes out their world in ways that make my brain smile. pony in particular stands out as probably the best woman in animation ever. it's not even a fucking contest. you really grow to love her and the whole gang AND the growing cast of secondary characters who revolve around the uni campus. frank is best waifu. fuuuuck. one day i'll rewatch Harg Nallin' Sclopio Peepio to review that, and also cry about how it TOO is underrated. then I guess i'll give Harper House a shot, which i've just found out has already been cancelled somehow. fucking streaming services. (ps, when watching anything in the Neelyverse, you really gotta look out for background details. food and drink packaging ESPECIALLY. mom party boxed wine has always maintained a stronghold in my brain for some reason.)

[JACKASS VOLUME TWO]
you ever watch something, and become overwhelmed by a bygone era? of something you simply this made me feel that. watching bam absolutely eat shit on the 360 loop made me feel that.

[ATLANTIS: THE LOST EMPIRE]
i'm gonna bust this one open by establishing that is is one of my favorite fucking movies of all time. why? everything. this movie presents to you a buffet of incredible art, a delightful caper crew, an adventure with a body count, and implores you to sample but a section of everything. I appreciate what was being done here, is what i'm trying to say. shit. I think the entire movie before they actually GET TO atlantis is probably the comfiest shit of all time, what with the bonding and the time you spend watching all these mercenaries do their shit. i'd say I want more, which I do, but the sad fact is that the atlantis part of the movie called atlantis is really unfortunately rushed so that they can move into a pretty fucking excellent action sequence at the end. but maaaaaan. my wish would've been granted, too, if the atlantis TV show ended up happening, but it didn't, and all we have to show for it is a C-Tier package movie sequel, (which I do also love with my whole self,) and a few scrapped disneyland ride concepts. offtopic, but the vehicle designs in this thing are fucking gorgeous, and i'm glad that Atlantis ended up getting a fairly decent merch run with a few of em thrown in. personally, I own a Vinny action figure, because he's the best waifu of all time. real ones know.

[SONIC 2]
ok, it's been a month or something since I saw this movie, and i'm finally ready to deploy some big-boy words to discuss it. first off, just like the first sonic movie, this had no right to be as good as it was. they waste NO TIME at the start, cold opening at the fucking mushroom realm from last time, and it continues this densely-packed no-explanations minimal-exposition pace throughout. sure, there are a couple context flashbacks to longclaw, but they really don't want to stick around on that shit. it almost persuades you that this movie will NOT be fucking around at ANY point, but then that becomes a huge lie when you get to that fucking siberia uptown funk scene. if you've seen the movie, you know the one. holy shit. there were definitely better ways to develop sonic and tails' broship without having to devolve into a dance scene. shit. while i'm whinging, I might aswell bring up the wedding subplot: almost completely unneeded. I liked it well enough, but it literally felt like you kept cutting back to a different movie. then the BIG TWIST happens and you're like "OH SHIT THIS IS A SONIC MOVIE" and it gets fun again. AND LETS NOT FORGET ABOUT JIMBOTNIK. I will, as a bald bitch myself, be the first to say that he isn't as iconic as he was in the first movie, but shit, he's still pretty damn close. who'da thunk he and k'nuckles would make such an incredible team. who'da thunk he and our lord & saviour agent stone could somehow get even MORE homoerotic than the first movie. who'da thunk indeed. i'm not kidding when I say that this movie singlehandedly dragged me out of one of the most slumps i've had in a while through the power of sheer dumb fun, friendship, and idris alba really pulling a good performance as knuckles. and let it be shown on the record that, should I ever get so sick in the head as to begin kinning, robotnik from sonic film 2 is gonna be my main. no doubles.

[HEAVY TRAFFIC]
TLDR; michael can't get laid. his dad can't shift olive oil for the mob. everyone spends the whole movie either trying to violently fuck someone or violently kill someone. race happens, and if you know how a bakshi film operates, it sure does happen.. shit just kinda happens in this one, man. michael's mom is probably the best character, if you know, you know. at least we get another iconic bakshi death scene, because as I said in fritz the cat, the guy sure can do a death scene. (at least the ending's kinda sweet.)

[UHF]
goddamn does this movie have everything: the iconic conan the librarian bit (AND the rambo bit, goddamn,), emo phillips, weird al just going through total fuckin agony, clowns, and good GOD do they got SLAPSTICK FOR DAYS. stanley spadowski's clubhouse would work exquisitely as one of those ironic t-shirts the cool bitches wear, along the lines of "vote for pedro", and other such indie slogans. "sex with furniture, whaddya think?" is also a heavy contender.

[MIKE AND MELISSA]
this is the blueprint on which I will be basing my own mental illness in the future. the need for attention from strangers. the endless narcissism. the cacophany that makes up the entirety of the background noise. those two incomprehensible drunk guys who share the IN JOKES. DRINK! BEER! PSSHHHH. GLUG GLUG GLUG. PSSSSS. dear god and that's not even touching on how melissa is just him hallucinating his furry waifu during a depression wank. THIS PLACE US NOT METALEEUEUUUUUUHGHGHG. I try not to base my enjoyment of shit on the amount of quotables but goddamn does this shit got quotables. HE SHOWED THIS TO HIS CLASS DUDE. I think my main deal is how intensely sincere and personal this is. and then he FUCKS HIS OWN TULPA. this deals with an under represented aspect of tulpamancy: the parts INBETWEEN fucking the manifestation of your own mental illness. the guy is airing all his shit out in the open. the character design doesn't make sense until you see the purple skunk bitch and realise DEAR GOD IT'S ALL SONIC CHARCTERS HOLY SHIT

[THE BIZARRE SAGA OF SONIC FOR REAL JUSTICE]
saw this in my youtube recs, didn't watch it, can't stand how those dastardly normies are gonna learn about my ""niche"" semi-staged internet drama. I say ""niche"" because im pretty sure everyone who was an active tumblr user around 2015 knows this shit back to front, and that was like, the peak of the userbase probably. I wish gatekeeping was more of a thing nowadays. those darn kids.

[IF GOD WAS AN SJW]
random youtube short I found while trawlin yonder archives. too drunk to absorb any points made but not drunk enough to ignore how he gave god dangerhair and how funny that is

[FRITZ THE CAT]
the iconic monologue fritz gives about studying n not living your life's experiences probably affected me for the worse when I saw this shit in Y10. I even got the point of the movie, that it's satirising frtiz's way of thinking, but I purposefully ignored that in favour of the interpretation that would enable my behaviour better. what i'm saying is that this is my 2019 joker, basically. narcissism aside, i've always loved bakshi's method of just recording people's conversations and animating over that later, even when it doesn't fit with the movie's plot or whatever. it's wierdly prophetic of how ad-libbing and conversational dialogue would end up becoming super fashionable in current year. as usual, bakshi is super good at death scenes- no spoilers, but he slips a pretty fuckin incredible one in here. (and winston did nothing wrong.) [REMINDER TO MYSELF- LISTEN TO THE OST, SHITS SO GOOD DUDE]

[THE EVIL DEAD (1981)]
the last third of this movie is just the deadites making an ash williams cringe comp by gaslighting and clowning on him for like four hours

[LUCA]
only saw the first third and last five minutes of this one while babysitting, spent the rest of the time spaced out or cleaning the kitchen. s'alright.

[THE ALFRED ALFER MOVIE]
haha oh my god imagine making this. I chugged this whole movie in one sitting with minimal emily youcis/alfred alfer context, and it left me a better person afterwards. I had no goddamn idea that she had any crossover with the guy who made Where The Dead Go To Die (a movie I watched live with my pal dee, and traumatised her with), so seeing Labby was a trip. the whole film is an assault to the eyes and ears, and probably the brain too, but I haven't had one since The Incident so who knows. by far the best part of the thing is going to the comments to watch everyone argue about youcis being a nazi and the alleged alfred alfer fandom and the necrophilia scenes.

[LUPIN III: THE FIRST]
dude I fucking love lupin so much. yes, I KNOW, earlier on, in this very page, I have taken every possible opportunity to dunk on anime, but you must understand this, dear readers: I cannot resist a good caper crew. I resent sounding like some sort of troglodyte who screams and yips every time one of their beloved """"tropes"""" appears onscreen, yet here I am, losing my goddamn mind every time a wacky cast of characters commits crime. CG anime is also objectively cool, so when this movie was announced, I was gassed as all get-out, and when it was announced the COOL BITCHES were in on the official dub? it was huge. and then I forgot to watch it until last weekend. and it was just kind of okay. I think the biggest issue is that I'm so used to the other extended lupin features just kind of throwing you into the fuckery, that I forgot that this is a feature film and thus had to try and simplify shit down to a newer audience, hence the addition and focus on that random archaeologist girl. mannnnn. we didn't even get many lupin and jigen shenanigans, which are the emotional heart of the franchise I guess. mannnnnn.

[MORAL OREL]
so this shit hurts. like physically tangibly viscerally hurts. i'm avoiding spoilers because shit, if you haven't seen this, get out there and get it down you. the youtube channel "The Side Of Stress" has every episode of the show up as we speak. the gist is that Orel is this super impressionable lil guy living in a religious town, and shit goes down as he gets into all kindsa crazy shenanigans. he gets hooked on crack at one point, it's a blast. but that's just the first season. moral orel is INFAMOUS for it's incredible tonal flip during the second season. it gets REAL, dude! it gets SO REAL. I think alot of people downplay the fact that the show is still good BEFORE the big shift, and i'd probably recommend it regardless.

[TREMORS]
I WALKED INTO THIS MOVIE EXPECTING HORSESHIT AND IT BESTOWED UPON ME A GOOD TIME. a total net win, this one. holy shit. desert setting? bright orange blood? some guy with more ordinance than the entire country of scotland? WALTER CHANG?!! this movie has basically everything, and wastes no time getting into the meat of it. I totally thought they were gonna pull a stupid one and try and have all the lil desert townsfolks be balls to the wall moronic about the alaskan bullworms, but everyone pretty much immediately hunkered down and GOT THEIR SHIT TOGETHER. and you could totally tell that everyone would've thrown that sneedly teenage cunt to the worm should the opportunity arise. I hope everything I write about the movies on this page is utterly fucking incomprehensible to anyone who hasn't SEEN THEM. get some media in ye.

[MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000]
it's october. the moon is a-howlin. the ghouls are on the prowl. poundland is selling 500k plastic weapons an hour. and instead of watching horror, like a good little consumer, i'm watching funny-puppet-riffing show. whomp, whomp, whomp. mst3k (as the coolkids refer to it) is just a brutally charming and funnee show. it make me smile. bring grin to the table. it's a bit of a hard sell (and a sell i've tried to make multiple times, that joel character oughta pay me for shilling his show so damn hard,) but holy SHIT if you can just accept the premise of "a guy and two puppets watch ENTIRE old terrible movies and crack funnies over it", you'll be handsomely awarded by some of the quickest humour they could legally serve in the nineties. AND THAT'S NOT EVEN COVERING THE MADS! THE INVENTION EXCHANGE! GYPSY!!! frankly, to make what the tvtropers refer to as a ""stealth"" """pun""", you oughta get on this shit as soon as you can. comfiest show of all time.

[TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE]
I just watched this and remember fucking nothing apart from the puppet sex scene. astounding.

[BAD TASTE]
now THIS. this is cinema. if you enjoy splatter horror, australians, and crazy cunts with half of their scalps hanging off wielding chainsaws, i'd DENSELY reccommend this movie. the gist is that four schlubs go fighting off an alien invasion, and shit INSTANTLY hits the fan and never really stops hitting the fan until the credits roll. holy film, truly.

[NACHO LIBRE]
have you ever been SO excited to watch a film, a movie you've heard about countless times but could never quite get your greasy little hands on, only to have it land in your lap and proceed to not be that great? okay, granted, it's nacho libre, I didn't sit down for this expecting citizen kane or whatever, but this is a low-tier jack black movie if i've ever seen one. visually it's stunning, cheers to the crazy characters who did napoleon dynamite, but it also has that liar revealed plot literally fucking nobody enjoys. man.

[SUPERBAD]
those fucking freaks at rotten tomatoes lied to me. motherfuckers said that this movie is certified fresh, but i'm coming in hot right now to inform you all that it's certified BALLS. granted, I was severely drunk while watching it, but even a drunk man can see that mclovin is the only good bit about this flick. everything else just has you gritting your teeth and going "euuughghg" because it's either TOO PAINFUL or TOO REAL. dear god. I feel like you've gotta be in the 13-16 year old age range to enjoy this shit, to truly relate I guess. hurts my bones, this one.

[NIGHT WARNING]
I ended up, against my better judgement, liveblogging this one as I watched it. and thus, I have only taken one thing away from this movie: aunt cheryl is one creepy bitch. there's this super fucking convoluted mystery plot in the background, but it's completely overshadowed by how absurdly batshit insane cheryl is, and that one detective who suspects that everything is a gay conspiracy. very woke. as a horror movie, it kinda sucks. see, the opening scene really hypes you up for this to be a balls-to-the-wall crazy deathfest, with this super dramatic car crash kinda deal, but it never really hits that high again. even in the prerequisite third act slaughter, shit's pretty tame, or at least would be, if not for the ever-present insanity that is aunt cheryl. take a shot every time she acts wildly inappropriate to her nephew-son billy, I fucking dare you.

[SPACEBALLS]
haha, imagine watching star wars before you watch a star wars parody. the closest i've come to seeing a single star war was when I got super high and decided to watch the family guy star wars, and I remember NONE OF IT. this movie was still fuckin sweet though, as it stood on its own funnies and plot without me needing to trouble myself with watching the real shit. john candy was, however, supremely unnerving in that fucking dogman outfit. every time he was onscreen, I couldn't find it in me to look away, like so many trainwrecks and car crashes.

[MONDO CANE 2]
wanted to watch the original, but I was exquisitely lazy at the time, so I just watched this sequel on youtube. it's pretty alright. learnt some outdated tidbits about the world, saw some people become impotent from crocodile consumption, normal wacky shit. the narrator was some snarky british guy who could totally pass as the disinterested sassy butler to an eccentric rich guy.

[AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS]
I only watched this because I think steve coogan's kinda hot. sue me.

[THE ROYAL TENEBAUMS]
so my sister's become one of those motherfuckers who has a ferris bueller poster and won't shut the fuck up about the brat pack or john hughes or pulp fiction. nothing good had come of this most unfortunate development, until a week ago when she become a wes anderson hoe, and suddenly needed me to watch this movie. and, to be frank, it was a good time. it wasn't the flawless triumph she sees it as, mostly because of the incest plot, but 'twas alright. owen wilson stole the show. the sibling tier list goes chaz>margot>richie. the movie did a sick job of making me hate the shit out of royal tenebaum himself until the final third. frankly the best part of the whole movie was the glorious 70s aesthetic. and dudley. sweet, precious dudley.

[THOSE BROKEN EPISODES OF THE SIMPSONS ON YOUTUBE]
over the last six-odd months i've been writing and editing this site, i've mentioned a few benchmarks for how I know that my mental health is failing. none of these tells, however, will ever be as obvious as when those choppily edited simpsons videos show up on my youtube homepage. and I watch them. hours will disintergrate, time will simply waste. bart will make it partway through a funny moment, and then it'll cut to a different episode. and i'll accept that. the video will end on a three minute musical interlude, and i'll be on a different planet entirely, until the audio stops and the autoplay begins.

[DISENCHANTMENT SEASON 3]
so this show is kinda bullshit, right? they keep raising questions and not answering DICK. and what's the DEAL with the emphasis on feet and asses this season? how come they keep insinuating Elfo is into sexual masochism? WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET TO THE FIREWORKS FACTORY?? every episode they sow the seeds for a kickass plot thread, and then they ignore it forever. or they introduce something and immediately write it off, like the ominous green smoke just being a buncha horsefuck. at least the adventurin' was good, it was nice to see more of Steamland I guess. they still don't know how to write Elfo, but I might be mentally incapable of giving a shit about him OR his sad, sad life. i'm not into the fact they're really leaning into the cat thing for Luci, but whatever, he's benched for most of the season anyway. Bean is just kinda okay. she fucks a mermaid, she fights with her evil loose plot thread mother, just normal routine bs for her at this point. in terms of side characters, Oona won. she just did. if you've seen the season, you know why. special mention goes to Odval, who totally would've come first if not for the fact that the writers can't decide what exactly his fucking conspiracy is. speaking of conspiracies, Dagmar is the worst character. her actions are excusable, but it's the fact that she's just a recurring bullshit device. like, we fucking GET IT man, she's EVIL. she does EVIL SHIT. she has a STRAINED RELATIONSHIP with Bean because she's EVIL. give some other plots some time, PLEASE. give ANY plots some time. resolve the Elfo one at LEAST, c'monnnnnnn.

[CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS]
god this movie fucking suuuuuuucks. pure cinematic misery, all pretending it's a cool and chill christmas film. you have NO IDEA how unironically pissed off this movie makes me. I can usually get to the point where jamie lee curtis smashes her head off the tanning machine before I quit the family christmas film afternoon. look, she's got her tits out in front of the vicar! HOW FUNNY!!!! fucking horsehsit. even thinking about it is draining my energy so hard. there's nobody to root for in the whole movie because everyone sucks pretty equally. except jamie lee curtis, who's just trying to live her fucking life while her buzz lightyear-ass husband and their unholy demonspawn neighbors ruin EVERYTHING. I never get far enough in the movie to see the daughter come home, but she sucks too for not giving them any notice. if somebody tried to invite themself and their peruvian waifu to my house like a day before christmas, i'd tell them to fuck off, even if they were my kid or some shit.

[DC'S DASTARDLY AND MUTTLEY]
yet again i'm not doing a film, but jesus fucking christ I want to know exactly how this comic got pitched. spoilers I guess, but the TLDR is that some wacky shit goes down (it's like, five different causes, there's a gas, there's a nuke, it behaves like a virus and can be passed from person to person, there's a chemical element, and there's eldritch gods???) and everyone starts becoming cartoons. our main guy slowly animorphs into dick dastardly over the course of the series. his bro just straight up gets a dog head and becomes some unholy muttley abomination. imagine waking up one day after an air accident and you're straight up dick dastardly. what the fuck. like the recent scoob movie, somebody on either the art or writing team for this comic is SUPER horny for dick dastardly, because the man spends the whole thing in a hospital gown. after he leaves hospital, (post said air-accident,) he goes into aerial combat twice and on neither of those occasions does anybody pull him to the side and offer him some jeans or some shit. fucking MENTAL activities.

[MONSTER HOUSE]
i'm cheating because I last watched this movie that same weekend I binged all the addams family movies, but god I have lots of bullshit to say about this one. as a cherub-faced box-fringed youth, I always left the room during the opening because mr nebbercracker really fucking scared me. the adults chuckled, but they knew in their heart of hearts my fear was of people yelling. they did that to me. anyway I always felt intense envy of the main three kids in this movie, but looking back as a mateur adulte(tm) I have no idea why. not to dunk on these fictional mocap children too hard, but they're all kinda ugly idiots tbh :/. except the ginger girl but who gives a shit about her, I have a point to make. they also got away with some massive shit in this movie, and not the "huehuehue look they mayde an adult joke in the kidde filum" kind. spoilers for a movie that came out over a decade ago and that has been on netflix for half that lifespan, but the house is posessed because nebbercracker's wife FUCKING DIED DURING CONSTRUCTION, and thru shenanigans her body was just buried in a thin layer of concrete in the basement. you see the body. TJ, the main kid who reminds me of my friend rudy, trips onto the body, breaking the concrete, and revealing the skeleton beneath. shit's wild and I wish I had that kind of formative experience as a kid. all I got was test failing and picking up broken glass with my bare hands out of boredom at breaktime. I kinda lost track of where I was originally going here, but the film's good, Bones is a lesser God among pitiful mortals. i'll probably rewrite this to focus purely on Bones in like three hours. godspeed.

[BILL AND TED FACE THE MUSIC]
I wasn't planning on writing about this movie, despite being a huge bill & ted fan, but some shit went down in the cinema industry this week that I wanna document in case I ever get old & sad enough to remember it. for the first time since the release of US, I went to the local cineworld to go see the new bill & ted, on release night. the movie itself was fine, I lost my mind whenever they referenced bogus journey, but I was mostly fucking astounded with the fact that they'd completely remodeled the building over lockdown for no apparent reason. shit looked absolutely magical, and also completely empty. there must've been three groups of people in the whole screen, and one of them dipped halfway through during the dave grohl mansion scene. I bring all this irrelevant-to-the-movie bullshit up because the entire cineworld chain kind of fucking died this week. maybe in like a year i'll read this again and fondly remember these days. the current trajectory of the world sucks shit, and cineworld closing is probably the least of anybody's worries. at this rate, i'll be celebrating halloween 2021 awaiting the impact of a ballistic missile. this went off-topic quick.
bill & ted face the music was pretty good, I wish station showed up. I fear the future. 7/10.

[THE ADDAMS FAMILY DUOLOGY]
apparently, people want to fuck lurch. I respect them greatly. now that the true facts are on the table, these movies are fucking great and deserve as much praise as you could possibly heap onto them. I watched them back-to-back, (alongside the new one that happened last year, but it sucked, so i'm not acknowledging it further,) and my fever-addled mind went apeshit. the second movie, family values, is the better remembered of the two due to its amazing villain and weirdly exquisite social commentary in wednesday's b-plot, but the plot of the first movie is just completely fucked up and I sincerely wish more people would acknowledge it. cousin it cucks a guy. he shows up in the last half an hour and fucks the antagonist's wife. it's all he does in the entire duology and i'm obsessed with it. she births a tiny cousin it during the second film. she used to have a whole other child, who she presumably abandoned between the first and second movies, leaving him effectively orphaned due to the addams family murdering his father for the crime of conspiring against them. goddamn.

[HUBIE HALLOWEEN]
ok so this movie sucks. I didn't finish it because I got super bored when I realised that it was gonna be juggling like 6 different plots and two whole uninteresting love stories, and I was sick of trying to decipher adam sandler's "stupid asshole" voice that he's done about a bajillion times already. I refuse to let the netflix subtitles win. sidebar but my friend Ginger Joe told me last year that adam sandler had dropped a movie where he's a crack addicted jewel thief or some shit, and I thought he was bullshitting me until somebody in my class brought it up two days ago. what the fuck. who keeps giving adam sandler movie money???

[MR. STAIN ON JUNK ALLEY]
so this has been on my brain for like a week solid. not to be an anime watcher or anything but this series was fuckin dense. it's like 15 episodes long and such a high magnitude of shit goes down that i'm still processing it. one day i'll be able to write a master's thesis on this show. i'll make a mr stain cartoon theory youtube channel with a rantsona and everything, like all the sellouts do, and then all the 12 year olds will fucking love this shit. I lost my train of thought a little there. mr stain on junk alley is a cg anime by the same dude who did popee the performer, (which I know ALL you edgelord mfers love,) about this hobo-esque guy called stain, his giant cat bro pavlan, and their constant suffering and/or misery. it carries the same eerie early-cg animation as popee, but is alot less batshit with its mellow tone. and there's LORE hidden in blink-and-you'll-miss-it moments. (god, remember when I did dbz abridged and said I resent anime?? what happened to me. I was so hopeful. so optimistic for the furture.) [ADDENDUM: the whole series is on youtube here. if you have an hour or so to kill, fucking watch it.]

[LEE HARDCASTLE'S GHOST BURGER]
i'm adding this pre-emptively so that I actually watch this tonight. I make a point out of watching it every summer, and summer ends in two fucking days.
so i've just finished it again and i'm glad to report, to whoever's reading this, that I still love it. without any proper spoilers, two kids hunt ghosts and turn them into burger meat because the one kid's dad is a massive cunt. shit goes down properly and lee hardcastle gets to flex his gory claymation skills. honestly just fucking watch it man, it's like 20 minutes long and on youtube. when i'm less delirious i'll post an actual review or summary that isn't dogshit, because believe me, i'm not doing it justice at all.

[DBZ ABRIDGED EPISODE 31]
here I go again with something that isn't actually a movie- the police are hunting me down as I type. anyway, whenever I stay at my nan's house in Wales over the summer, I always end up watching DBZ Abridged, getting bored five episodes in because I don't give a shit about DBZ, and then skipping to this episode because krillin gets done for insurance fraud and that's all I remember from the whole series (apart from mr popo, but that's a given). in another life, i'd have seen the whole of the original dragon ball z and understand all the funnies. instead, I berate my internet friends for posting jojo memes in the discord, because I resent knowing anything about anime.

[THE CAT IN THE HAT]
did you say anything?

[THE TRUMAN SHOW]
I watched this on my birthday and the thing I remember most is that it fucking blew my sister's mind. she was awestruck by the whole thing. I kept watching and waiting for the classic jim carrey funny fun shenanigans, and boy, did I get them. solid movie. for some reason, I remember seeing part of it on holiday, but this random scene where Truman is in a bakery and there's a camera hidden in a bagel or something. that scene isn't real.

[JACKASS: THE MOVIE]
a guy pisses on a snowcone and then eats it. I wish I could've been in the cinema on opening night.

[MEGAMIND]
ok so fuck you if you didn't like megamind when it came out. we have these fake megamind fans coming out of the woodworks in current year, just because all the cool hip youtube reviewers are telling them the movie is good now. open your eyes, sheeple. megamind was good ON RELEASE. even at the tender age of seven I knew I was watching the single greatest animated movie of all time. did any of you motherfuckers even see the "mr blue sky" sequence??? pure cinema. people are begging for a sequel, but shit man, this movie was perfect as its own story. remember finding dory??? fucking incredibles 2??? every dreamworks sequel?? there's no need to expand on this, lads.

[FEAR & LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS]
as a fan of sir hunter s thompson, I was wary of this movie because of how everyone else who likes his works fucking despises it. but I thought it was pretty much alright. granted, I was drunk when I was watching it, and I can't claim to know enough about art to call things artistically bankrupt, so the jury's out on if this represents the cucking of thompson's vision. personally, I think it could've done with being just a smidge more manic. the chapter depicted by an audio transcript was massively underrepresented. the guy playing dr gonzo was hot tho. 10/10.

[CAMP NOWHERE]
accidental chris lloyd marathon ftw. I ended up watching this and completely zoning out for most of it because chris lloyd's character was kinda cute. it was a fun movie-film, but there was an abundance of just straight up uncomfortable scenes because the cast were basically all preteens. they also had the whole elaborate rube-goldberg climax that basically every movie in the 90's had for some reason.

[WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?]
admittedly, I was only half-watching this while I baked a fat chocolate cake, but I wanna rewatch it because it was pretty gud. Betty Boop showed up a few times, so it's instantly the best movie i've watched so far by that virtue alone. I forgot that judge doom was played by chris lloyd, which made the film I watched ^later^ kinda wacky

[HOLES]
good god, was the movie great. i'm always a wary bastard about going into the film adaptations of books for obvious reasons, but this was remarkably faithful. if you haven't read the book or seen this film, you have my undying pity. (and what the fuck did you have to read for school??? washing machine warranty cards??)

[MAD- MONROE]
fucking whoops. so I didn't watch a movie today, but to be fair, I was totally expecting my sister to piss off out of the house or something so I could see whatever bullshit was on netflix. to make a long story short, she cancelled her plans and I spent all day reading scans of mad magazine. i'm so fucking fired. anyway, I read pretty much every monroe comic from mad today, and now have the distinction of being probably the only person in current year who cares about it. every monroe story is basically the same: monroe is dragged somewhere/ put up to do some shit/ forced to endure a trauma by his family/ peers/ own bad luck. lols ensue. shit gets super gross. one day i'll write a stupid little master's thesis about why it's my favorite recurring mad feature, but I guess for now i'll narrow it down to the fact that bill wray's art is amazing and lends itself well to anthony barbieri's sense of humour and writing.

[ALBINO FARM]
I can't believe I watched this instead of Clerks. it's fun for the first half an hour, and then you realise that the title is total bullshit because they use albino as a catch-all term for "deformed mutant chud-people". I don't think this movie even has any ablinos in it until the last minute, and even then i'm only half-sure. TL;DR, some teens go hunting for this spooky place that everyone in this backwater town is super suspicous about. at some point, an old lady breastfeeds a hellbaby. nobody's gonna see this terrible movie so I don't feel at all bad about spoiling it- the funniest character dies first, the only surviving group member is some boring chick with no eyebrows, and the "big reveal" is that the whole town is mutated somehow. suck-central.

[THE CABIN IN THE WOODS]
full disclosure, I wasn't expecting this film to be good. and then it was. without spoiling anything, the whole plot goes fucking bananas about 40 minutes in, but you probably won't even feel the time pass. if you didn't root for the stoner guy from the getgo, you will. shit gets mental. the gore kinda sucks though, but i'll commend the CG effects for not looking too dated after a few years. overall, it's a smart deconstruction of horror tropes that doesn't get talked about enough nowadays. (ADDENDUM- minor spoilers but good GOD I thought they were setting up that one guy from the institute place to do something. if you've seen the movie you know who the fuck i'm talking about.)
[HATEMAIL GOES HERE]

[BUTTONS FOR COOLKIDS]






"YOU GOTTA BE FUCKIN KIDDING..."