[YOUR HOST THIS EVENING]

[E TICKET ATTRACTIONS]
[ ♥ ] HOME
[ ♥ ] ABOUT
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[OTHER SUCH FUCKERY]
[ ♥ ] MISC RANTING
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[ ♥ ] DIVIDERS
[ ♥ ] DRINKIN' GAME
[ ♥ ] DOLLMAKER
[THE AUGUST AUGUST FILM CLUB]
this is where I host my ever-flourishing film club, of which I am the only member. basically, whenever I watch a film, and can remember that I run this site, i'll log it here. right now it's basically my summer break, so i'm aiming to watch at least one movie-film a day. maybe i'll even do a whole top ten at the end of the break! don't count on it. oh, and sometimes I don't even talk about films here. any non-music media I imbibe is game, so you'll see TV shows, comics, the whole nine yards. feel free to recommend me shit.

[ ♥ ]----------------------[ ♥ ]

[TAKESHI'S CASTLE]
words cannot describe how much I love takeshi's castle. the british release, natch, because if you're not experiencing craig charles' delight whenever some random japanese character falls into ""the drink"", you're not watching the right version. growing up, I always wanted to be one of the castle guards, and I would honestly still love to have a job where you dress in silly outifts and bludgeon innocent people with props. what a life. recently, i've been rewatching it all on youtube, cuz SHOCK AND HORROR, dave doesn't air the episodes in chunks on sunday mornings anymore. fucking evil.

[PICK-UP SUMMER]
pretty forgettable, but the soundtrack's pretty sweet, and they even snuck a real nice carnival scene in it. s'alright. wimpy's the supreme gigachad of the tale. I kinda wish the whole thing was just about wimpy and the bikers, because aside from me being aesthetically biased towards the carnival shit, the main two couples are just kind of "eh". I mean, the designated guy best friend character's alright, but that's mostly just because he serves double duty in also being a total freak of nature. tell a lie, whenever they fucked with the rich guy-"we're a three excalibur family, now."- that was pretty funny. the hotdog scene is, i'll reluctantly admit, a fucking classic. frankly, the movie's a big excuse just to show tits at a time when not alot of people knew tits existed or something.

[THE ABOMINABLE DR PHIBES]
this movie really spoke to me, and it said "get you a man who will avenge your manslaughter through biblical means".

[THE WARRIORS]
you know when you're watching a movie with an ensemble cast, so at the start you arbitarily choose one character to latch onto, and pray for the best? I chose fox. i'm still not okay. and, y'know, i'd accept it, right? i'd be cool about it. i'd just mourn and continue. but the problem is that NOBODY LEARNS FROM THEIR MISTAKES. so mercy shows up, and gets the lads into hot water- any sane motherfucker would LEAVE HER WHERE THEY FOUND HER, and yet instead, the warriors bring her along for basically no fucking reason, and she proceeds to be a complete load the whole time. I don't like ragging on women characters in film, but holy SHIT, is mercy the worst part of this movie. otherwise i'm way about it, and up until roughly half an hour in, it totally would've been in my top ten, but the characters hit a point of stupidity that I can't get over. we needed more of those immaculate fight scenes, and less groaning and rolling your eyes as you witness the squad end up in yet another totally avoidable bullshit. shoutout to rembrandt though, who became my second focus guy, and was apparently the only motherfucker in the group with his head screwed on right.
[EDIT: just read the original script. now, I may be biased as an OFFICIAL THE FOX FROM THE WARRIORS 1979 STAN, but the romance between him and mercy is honestly a little more believeable than what we got with she and swan. they get a few more little moments to get shit across. he even mentions the fact that she's a complete jinx! the script even gives a reason why they took her- as a potential trade to get out of trouble. I can't believe swan lost that huge fucking prison break bit just for the sake of the romance with mercy subplot. fuck me man. I can't get over how cyrus's replacement is literally called "THE SECOND CYRUS". I also read the comics: the official adaptation is unremarkable, and i'd like to have a sten word with the storyboarder over what scenes he felt were worth focusing on, (ajax flipping off the turnbulls is reduced to a background gag, for instance,) but jailbreak was fuckin sweet- whoever wrote it definitely knew which aspects of the film to play up.]

[KEVIN & PERRY GO LARGE]
i've tried to watch this movie like three times, and today's the first time I actually got through the whole thing. and it's basically a huge fuckin madness. it's like if classic british and american sex comedies came together, had an ugly baby, and raised it in the basement out of shame for what they had wrought onto the world. and yet, i'm endeared towards this bastard child. it got some chuckles out of me. perry has one of the best villain arcs in all of cinema. this shit's gross tho

[SIX STRING SAMURAI]
mannnnnnnnnnnnn. I was so ready to be SO INTO this movie, but it just didn't click for me. it's got ALL THE ELEMENTS of shit I like, right down to the presence of vegas, the banger soundtrack, and the batshit fight scenes, and yet I just wasn't into it. maaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAN. if I had to pinpoint one thing that killed it for me, it's probably that tagalong screeching child. god. he isn't even that annoying, but the kid really just drags shit along.

[CLOSING SHIFT]
on the evening of the sunday, which, for those of you not in the know, was the day of the worst weed hangover of my life, I decided that a great way to lull myself into one of those all-night slumbers was watch one of those internet streamer men play a menial game for idiots. and because i'm not as above popular sentiment as I may believe, my first port of call was jerma. I think he's kind of mid, like the dollhouse stream was a funny concept n all that, but otherwise he's best digested in image meme format, or in missions such as this. what I didn't know is that closing shift is a j-horror game, (and I wouldn't know this until, like, the last twenty minutes of the game,) and that it would ruin me even worse than I already WAS. so, dear readers, picture yet again, me huddled under the sheets, absolutely fixated on jerma trying to run this horrible little sepia toned coffee shop, wrecked out of my mind, and then shit gets REAL. had some real incredible dreams afterwards though.

[MEATBALLS]
this movie should've been about Spazz and Fink. I said what I said. I didn't give half a rat's fuck about bill murray or roxanne or the kid nobody likes, because literally everyone else was busy stealing the show. the cits dude!!! fucking hardware's knocking about, and we're gonna focus on SOME RANDOM KID HAVING LOW SELF ESTEEM? jeezus. i'll admit, murray sells it as the laid-back p.a. guy, but he soaks up too much of the plot. leave in the IT DOESN'T MATTER bit though, that's great. but shit dude, I was SO INVESTED IN Spazz! the stacking scene felt like a real weak payoff to the buildup that he's the Guy Nobody Likes. hell, he didn't even win that on his own merit, because the sabotage attempt on him backfired on the other guy. what i'm saying is that Spazz got robbed. Fink was cool too. my sister is gonna love this shit though, because she's all about summered camps and bill murray and whatnot.

[MICROWAVE MASSACRE]
i'm not even gonna pretend that i've seen this recently, but this entry is moreso a cry for help than anything. has ANYBODY else seen this fucking movie? back in the golden days where none of my classes were at 8am, and i'd have a few hours in the morning before college to schlub around, i'd find a random flick on youtube and watch it. this is one of those movies, and it's BATSHIT INSANE. i'm not even gonna spoil it, it's still on youtube afaik so you can check it out yourself, but I shit you not when I claim this movie has some of the most incredible pacing and tonal whiplash of all time.

[THE CABLE GUY]
so I need to get better at choosing movies to get high too. and my friends need to warn me when the jim carrey comedy is actually a psychological horror. I comprehended nothing from this film except the whole goddamn thing. and I KNOW it wasn't just the weed that made it seem that the cable guy really wanted to fuck matthew broderick. I KNOW. how did the karaoke scene basically last half the movie, too? what the fuck was up with that. how many times has the cable guy even pulled this whole schtick, like how many of the people at that karaoke party were there under extreme duress? I got super hung up on the implications at play throughout the whole thing. I almost missed the point of the ending because I got too into the thought that he's gotta maintain the blackmail dossiers on like a dozen and a half people. shit. I was gonna watch six string samurai after this, but I got too heavy and ended up watching a longplay of the stanley parable, which sent me on levels. then I woke up with cold sweats and general vision blur the next morning. don't do drugs, kids. or do. they're pretty fun.

[AMERICAN PSYCHO]
boy oh boy, I finally watched the big funny meme film, and yes dear readers, it WAS big funny indeed!

[MACHETE]
this is one of those incredible, magical movies that had me saying "oh, no FUCKING WAY DUDE" every three minutes. this shit had basically everything, but most notably danny trejo just CONSTANTLY improvises weapons. and the blood effects are just IMMACULATE. no spoilers, but they do something real incredible with intestines in this movie. cheech, yes, THAT CHEECH, is a priest who gets some of the best scenes in the whole damn thing. the plot's all about the mexican border and the politics about that, and as a random white bitch from england, I'm really underequipped to commentate on it aside from a general "shit's crazy". there's a bizarre parallel to ace ventura here in that every woman in the movie wants to fuck machete. shit's relatable. you'll see this man try and text and you'll begin foaming at the mouth in desire. one day i'm gonna get real fucked up in the head and write the ace ventura machete crossover the world needs. then you'll be sorry.

[ACE VENTURA: PET DETECTIVE]
oh, shit, it's the other unexpectedly horny movie I watched tonight! all three women in this movie wanna fuck ace ventura, who is jim carrey at what may be PEAK face flexibility. make no mistake here folks, ace ventura FUCKS. WELL. that's the main takeaway here. ace ventura himself is kind of a bitch but the ladies are all-up-ons so who even CARES DUDE. he solves a dolphin crime. he's like L from deathnote but for chads and not idiot weebs.

[STARSKY & HUTCH]
I won't lie. I only watched this because of the ben stiller and owen wilson busts from problem sleuth. god, I love problem sleuth. film was alright.

[JOHN WATER'S HAIRSPRAY]
alot hornier than I thought it'd be. I think the future musical adaptations really needed the bite that john waters threw down here though. shit like amber leaning over during the dance just to call tracy a whore. totally out of pocket, but hilarious.

[THE YOUNG ONES]
one day i'll do a full balls-to-the-wall writeup on this show, but until then, i'll just say that neil dropping the lentils still kills me. peak british comedy.

[CHINA IL]
ICU AT UCI MAN, ICU AT UCI. everyone make the fucking way for the single most underrated adult swim show they got. venture bros is a beloved cult classic, moral orel appears to be having its moment in the sun with the youtube algorithm, metalocalypse will always have a legion of fans who wanna fuck those crazy dethklok guys, (of which I am one, excuse you.) but china il just doesn't get any fuckin love. and that's criminal for how insanely good it is. brad neely and whoever ended up on his team of crazy writers really cranked out a good one, but that's to be expected of mr. creased comics. speaing of, i'd hate to ever meet my heroes, but i'd really like to give neely a stern talking to about not actually having the creased comics ON the creased comics site anymore. THE ARCHIVE BARELY HAS ALL OF THEM, BRAD! WHERE THE FUCK IS QUEEBLO TWO, BRAD????? but I digress. china il takes the beloved professor brothers and the even more beloved baby cakes, and fleshes out their world in ways that make my brain smile. pony in particular stands out as probably the best woman in animation ever. it's not even a fucking contest. you really grow to love her and the whole gang AND the growing cast of secondary characters who revolve around the uni campus. frank is best waifu. fuuuuck. one day i'll rewatch Harg Nallin' Sclopio Peepio to review that, and also cry about how it TOO is underrated. then I guess i'll give Harper House a shot, which i've just found out has already been cancelled somehow. fucking streaming services. (ps, when watching anything in the Neelyverse, you really gotta look out for background details. food and drink packaging ESPECIALLY. mom party boxed wine has always maintained a stronghold in my brain for some reason.)

[JACKASS VOLUME TWO]
you ever watch something, and become overwhelmed by a bygone era? of something you simply this made me feel that. watching bam absolutely eat shit on the 360 loop made me feel that.

[ATLANTIS: THE LOST EMPIRE]
i'm gonna bust this one open by establishing that is is one of my favorite fucking movies of all time. why? everything. this movie presents to you a buffet of incredible art, a delightful caper crew, an adventure with a body count, and implores you to sample but a section of everything. I appreciate what was being done here, is what i'm trying to say. shit. I think the entire movie before they actually GET TO atlantis is probably the comfiest shit of all time, what with the bonding and the time you spend watching all these mercenaries do their shit. i'd say I want more, which I do, but the sad fact is that the atlantis part of the movie called atlantis is really unfortunately rushed so that they can move into a pretty fucking excellent action sequence at the end. but maaaaaan. my wish would've been granted, too, if the atlantis TV show ended up happening, but it didn't, and all we have to show for it is a C-Tier package movie sequel, (which I do also love with my whole self,) and a few scrapped disneyland ride concepts. offtopic, but the vehicle designs in this thing are fucking gorgeous, and i'm glad that Atlantis ended up getting a fairly decent merch run with a few of em thrown in. personally, I own a Vinny action figure, because he's the best waifu of all time. real ones know.

[SONIC 2]
ok, it's been a month or something since I saw this movie, and i'm finally ready to deploy some big-boy words to discuss it. first off, just like the first sonic movie, this had no right to be as good as it was. they waste NO TIME at the start, cold opening at the fucking mushroom realm from last time, and it continues this densely-packed no-explanations minimal-exposition pace throughout. sure, there are a couple context flashbacks to longclaw, but they really don't want to stick around on that shit. it almost persuades you that this movie will NOT be fucking around at ANY point, but then that becomes a huge lie when you get to that fucking siberia uptown funk scene. if you've seen the movie, you know the one. holy shit. there were definitely better ways to develop sonic and tails' broship without having to devolve into a dance scene. shit. while i'm whinging, I might aswell bring up the wedding subplot: almost completely unneeded. I liked it well enough, but it literally felt like you kept cutting back to a different movie. then the BIG TWIST happens and you're like "OH SHIT THIS IS A SONIC MOVIE" and it gets fun again. AND LETS NOT FORGET ABOUT JIMBOTNIK. I will, as a bald bitch myself, be the first to say that he isn't as iconic as he was in the first movie, but shit, he's still pretty damn close. who'da thunk he and k'nuckles would make such an incredible team. who'da thunk he and our lord & saviour agent stone could somehow get even MORE homoerotic than the first movie. who'da thunk indeed. i'm not kidding when I say that this movie singlehandedly dragged me out of one of the most slumps i've had in a while through the power of sheer dumb fun, friendship, and idris alba really pulling a good performance as knuckles. and let it be shown on the record that, should I ever get so sick in the head as to begin kinning, robotnik from sonic film 2 is gonna be my main. no doubles.

[HEAVY TRAFFIC]
TLDR; michael can't get laid. his dad can't shift olive oil for the mob. everyone spends the whole movie either trying to violently fuck someone or violently kill someone. race happens, and if you know how a bakshi film operates, it sure does happen.. shit just kinda happens in this one, man. michael's mom is probably the best character, if you know, you know. at least we get another iconic bakshi death scene, because as I said in fritz the cat, the guy sure can do a death scene. (at least the ending's kinda sweet.)

[UHF]
goddamn does this movie have everything: the iconic conan the librarian bit (AND the rambo bit, goddamn,), emo phillips, weird al just going through total fuckin agony, clowns, and good GOD do they got SLAPSTICK FOR DAYS. stanley spadowski's clubhouse would work exquisitely as one of those ironic t-shirts the cool bitches wear, along the lines of "vote for pedro", and other such indie slogans. "sex with furniture, whaddya think?" is also a heavy contender.

[MIKE AND MELISSA]
this is the blueprint on which I will be basing my own mental illness in the future. the need for attention from strangers. the endless narcissism. the cacophany that makes up the entirety of the background noise. those two incomprehensible drunk guys who share the IN JOKES. DRINK! BEER! PSSHHHH. GLUG GLUG GLUG. PSSSSS. dear god and that's not even touching on how melissa is just him hallucinating his furry waifu during a depression wank. THIS PLACE US NOT METALEEUEUUUUUUHGHGHG. I try not to base my enjoyment of shit on the amount of quotables but goddamn does this shit got quotables. HE SHOWED THIS TO HIS CLASS DUDE. I think my main deal is how intensely sincere and personal this is. and then he FUCKS HIS OWN TULPA. this deals with an under represented aspect of tulpamancy: the parts INBETWEEN fucking the manifestation of your own mental illness. the guy is airing all his shit out in the open. the character design doesn't make sense until you see the purple skunk bitch and realise DEAR GOD IT'S ALL SONIC CHARCTERS HOLY SHIT

[THE BIZARRE SAGA OF SONIC FOR REAL JUSTICE]
saw this in my youtube recs, didn't watch it, can't stand how those dastardly normies are gonna learn about my ""niche"" semi-staged internet drama. I say ""niche"" because im pretty sure everyone who was an active tumblr user around 2015 knows this shit back to front, and that was like, the peak of the userbase probably. I wish gatekeeping was more of a thing nowadays. those darn kids.

[IF GOD WAS AN SJW]
random youtube short I found while trawlin yonder archives. too drunk to absorb any points made but not drunk enough to ignore how he gave god dangerhair and how funny that is

[FRITZ THE CAT]
the iconic monologue fritz gives about studying n not living your life's experiences probably affected me for the worse when I saw this shit in Y10. I even got the point of the movie, that it's satirising frtiz's way of thinking, but I purposefully ignored that in favour of the interpretation that would enable my behaviour better. what i'm saying is that this is my 2019 joker, basically. narcissism aside, i've always loved bakshi's method of just recording people's conversations and animating over that later, even when it doesn't fit with the movie's plot or whatever. it's wierdly prophetic of how ad-libbing and conversational dialogue would end up becoming super fashionable in current year. as usual, bakshi is super good at death scenes- no spoilers, but he slips a pretty fuckin incredible one in here. (and winston did nothing wrong.) [REMINDER TO MYSELF- LISTEN TO THE OST, SHITS SO GOOD DUDE]

[THE EVIL DEAD (1981)]
the last third of this movie is just the deadites making an ash williams cringe comp by gaslighting and clowning on him for like four hours

[LUCA]
only saw the first third and last five minutes of this one while babysitting, spent the rest of the time spaced out or cleaning the kitchen. s'alright.

[THE ALFRED ALFER MOVIE]
haha oh my god imagine making this. I chugged this whole movie in one sitting with minimal emily youcis/alfred alfer context, and it left me a better person afterwards. I had no goddamn idea that she had any crossover with the guy who made Where The Dead Go To Die (a movie I watched live with my pal dee, and traumatised her with), so seeing Labby was a trip. the whole film is an assault to the eyes and ears, and probably the brain too, but I haven't had one since The Incident so who knows. by far the best part of the thing is going to the comments to watch everyone argue about youcis being a nazi and the alleged alfred alfer fandom and the necrophilia scenes.

[LUPIN III: THE FIRST]
dude I fucking love lupin so much. yes, I KNOW, earlier on, in this very page, I have taken every possible opportunity to dunk on anime, but you must understand this, dear readers: I cannot resist a good caper crew. I resent sounding like some sort of troglodyte who screams and yips every time one of their beloved """"tropes"""" appears onscreen, yet here I am, losing my goddamn mind every time a wacky cast of characters commits crime. CG anime is also objectively cool, so when this movie was announced, I was gassed as all get-out, and when it was announced the COOL BITCHES were in on the official dub? it was huge. and then I forgot to watch it until last weekend. and it was just kind of okay. I think the biggest issue is that I'm so used to the other extended lupin features just kind of throwing you into the fuckery, that I forgot that this is a feature film and thus had to try and simplify shit down to a newer audience, hence the addition and focus on that random archaeologist girl. mannnnn. we didn't even get many lupin and jigen shenanigans, which are the emotional heart of the franchise I guess. mannnnnn.

[MORAL OREL]
so this shit hurts. like physically tangibly viscerally hurts. i'm avoiding spoilers because shit, if you haven't seen this, get out there and get it down you. the youtube channel "The Side Of Stress" has every episode of the show up as we speak. the gist is that Orel is this super impressionable lil guy living in a religious town, and shit goes down as he gets into all kindsa crazy shenanigans. he gets hooked on crack at one point, it's a blast. but that's just the first season. moral orel is INFAMOUS for it's incredible tonal flip during the second season. it gets REAL, dude! it gets SO REAL. I think alot of people downplay the fact that the show is still good BEFORE the big shift, and i'd probably recommend it regardless.

[TREMORS]
I WALKED INTO THIS MOVIE EXPECTING HORSESHIT AND IT BESTOWED UPON ME A GOOD TIME. a total net win, this one. holy shit. desert setting? bright orange blood? some guy with more ordinance than the entire country of scotland? WALTER CHANG?!! this movie has basically everything, and wastes no time getting into the meat of it. I totally thought they were gonna pull a stupid one and try and have all the lil desert townsfolks be balls to the wall moronic about the alaskan bullworms, but everyone pretty much immediately hunkered down and GOT THEIR SHIT TOGETHER. and you could totally tell that everyone would've thrown that sneedly teenage cunt to the worm should the opportunity arise. I hope everything I write about the movies on this page is utterly fucking incomprehensible to anyone who hasn't SEEN THEM. get some media in ye.

[MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000]
it's october. the moon is a-howlin. the ghouls are on the prowl. poundland is selling 500k plastic weapons an hour. and instead of watching horror, like a good little consumer, i'm watching funny-puppet-riffing show. whomp, whomp, whomp. mst3k (as the coolkids refer to it) is just a brutally charming and funnee show. it make me smile. bring grin to the table. it's a bit of a hard sell (and a sell i've tried to make multiple times, that joel character oughta pay me for shilling his show so damn hard,) but holy SHIT if you can just accept the premise of "a guy and two puppets watch ENTIRE old terrible movies and crack funnies over it", you'll be handsomely awarded by some of the quickest humour they could legally serve in the nineties. AND THAT'S NOT EVEN COVERING THE MADS! THE INVENTION EXCHANGE! GYPSY!!! frankly, to make what the tvtropers refer to as a ""stealth"" """pun""", you oughta get on this shit as soon as you can. comfiest show of all time.

[TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE]
I just watched this and remember fucking nothing apart from the puppet sex scene. astounding.

[BAD TASTE]
now THIS. this is cinema. if you enjoy splatter horror, australians, and crazy cunts with half of their scalps hanging off wielding chainsaws, i'd DENSELY reccommend this movie. the gist is that four schlubs go fighting off an alien invasion, and shit INSTANTLY hits the fan and never really stops hitting the fan until the credits roll. holy film, truly.

[NACHO LIBRE]
have you ever been SO excited to watch a film, a movie you've heard about countless times but could never quite get your greasy little hands on, only to have it land in your lap and proceed to not be that great? okay, granted, it's nacho libre, I didn't sit down for this expecting citizen kane or whatever, but this is a low-tier jack black movie if i've ever seen one. visually it's stunning, cheers to the crazy characters who did napoleon dynamite, but it also has that liar revealed plot literally fucking nobody enjoys. man.

[SUPERBAD]
those fucking freaks at rotten tomatoes lied to me. motherfuckers said that this movie is certified fresh, but i'm coming in hot right now to inform you all that it's certified BALLS. granted, I was severely drunk while watching it, but even a drunk man can see that mclovin is the only good bit about this flick. everything else just has you gritting your teeth and going "euuughghg" because it's either TOO PAINFUL or TOO REAL. dear god. I feel like you've gotta be in the 13-16 year old age range to enjoy this shit, to truly relate I guess. hurts my bones, this one.

[NIGHT WARNING]
I ended up, against my better judgement, liveblogging this one as I watched it. and thus, I have only taken one thing away from this movie: aunt cheryl is one creepy bitch. there's this super fucking convoluted mystery plot in the background, but it's completely overshadowed by how absurdly batshit insane cheryl is, and that one detective who suspects that everything is a gay conspiracy. very woke. as a horror movie, it kinda sucks. see, the opening scene really hypes you up for this to be a balls-to-the-wall crazy deathfest, with this super dramatic car crash kinda deal, but it never really hits that high again. even in the prerequisite third act slaughter, shit's pretty tame, or at least would be, if not for the ever-present insanity that is aunt cheryl. take a shot every time she acts wildly inappropriate to her nephew-son billy, I fucking dare you.

[SPACEBALLS]
haha, imagine watching star wars before you watch a star wars parody. the closest i've come to seeing a single star war was when I got super high and decided to watch the family guy star wars, and I remember NONE OF IT. this movie was still fuckin sweet though, as it stood on its own funnies and plot without me needing to trouble myself with watching the real shit. john candy was, however, supremely unnerving in that fucking dogman outfit. every time he was onscreen, I couldn't find it in me to look away, like so many trainwrecks and car crashes.

[MONDO CANE 2]
wanted to watch the original, but I was exquisitely lazy at the time, so I just watched this sequel on youtube. it's pretty alright. learnt some outdated tidbits about the world, saw some people become impotent from crocodile consumption, normal wacky shit. the narrator was some snarky british guy who could totally pass as the disinterested sassy butler to an eccentric rich guy.

[AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS]
I only watched this because I think steve coogan's kinda hot. sue me.

[THE ROYAL TENEBAUMS]
so my sister's become one of those motherfuckers who has a ferris bueller poster and won't shut the fuck up about the brat pack or john hughes or pulp fiction. nothing good had come of this most unfortunate development, until a week ago when she become a wes anderson hoe, and suddenly needed me to watch this movie. and, to be frank, it was a good time. it wasn't the flawless triumph she sees it as, mostly because of the incest plot, but 'twas alright. owen wilson stole the show. the sibling tier list goes chaz>margot>richie. the movie did a sick job of making me hate the shit out of royal tenebaum himself until the final third. frankly the best part of the whole movie was the glorious 70s aesthetic. and dudley. sweet, precious dudley.

[THOSE BROKEN EPISODES OF THE SIMPSONS ON YOUTUBE]
over the last six-odd months i've been writing and editing this site, i've mentioned a few benchmarks for how I know that my mental health is failing. none of these tells, however, will ever be as obvious as when those choppily edited simpsons videos show up on my youtube homepage. and I watch them. hours will disintergrate, time will simply waste. bart will make it partway through a funny moment, and then it'll cut to a different episode. and i'll accept that. the video will end on a three minute musical interlude, and i'll be on a different planet entirely, until the audio stops and the autoplay begins.

[DISENCHANTMENT SEASON 3]
so this show is kinda bullshit, right? they keep raising questions and not answering DICK. and what's the DEAL with the emphasis on feet and asses this season? how come they keep insinuating Elfo is into sexual masochism? WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET TO THE FIREWORKS FACTORY?? every episode they sow the seeds for a kickass plot thread, and then they ignore it forever. or they introduce something and immediately write it off, like the ominous green smoke just being a buncha horsefuck. at least the adventurin' was good, it was nice to see more of Steamland I guess. they still don't know how to write Elfo, but I might be mentally incapable of giving a shit about him OR his sad, sad life. i'm not into the fact they're really leaning into the cat thing for Luci, but whatever, he's benched for most of the season anyway. Bean is just kinda okay. she fucks a mermaid, she fights with her evil loose plot thread mother, just normal routine bs for her at this point. in terms of side characters, Oona won. she just did. if you've seen the season, you know why. special mention goes to Odval, who totally would've come first if not for the fact that the writers can't decide what exactly his fucking conspiracy is. speaking of conspiracies, Dagmar is the worst character. her actions are excusable, but it's the fact that she's just a recurring bullshit device. like, we fucking GET IT man, she's EVIL. she does EVIL SHIT. she has a STRAINED RELATIONSHIP with Bean because she's EVIL. give some other plots some time, PLEASE. give ANY plots some time. resolve the Elfo one at LEAST, c'monnnnnnn.

[CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS]
god this movie fucking suuuuuuucks. pure cinematic misery, all pretending it's a cool and chill christmas film. you have NO IDEA how unironically pissed off this movie makes me. I can usually get to the point where jamie lee curtis smashes her head off the tanning machine before I quit the family christmas film afternoon. look, she's got her tits out in front of the vicar! HOW FUNNY!!!! fucking horsehsit. even thinking about it is draining my energy so hard. there's nobody to root for in the whole movie because everyone sucks pretty equally. except jamie lee curtis, who's just trying to live her fucking life while her buzz lightyear-ass husband and their unholy demonspawn neighbors ruin EVERYTHING. I never get far enough in the movie to see the daughter come home, but she sucks too for not giving them any notice. if somebody tried to invite themself and their peruvian waifu to my house like a day before christmas, i'd tell them to fuck off, even if they were my kid or some shit.

[DC'S DASTARDLY AND MUTTLEY]
yet again i'm not doing a film, but jesus fucking christ I want to know exactly how this comic got pitched. spoilers I guess, but the TLDR is that some wacky shit goes down (it's like, five different causes, there's a gas, there's a nuke, it behaves like a virus and can be passed from person to person, there's a chemical element, and there's eldritch gods???) and everyone starts becoming cartoons. our main guy slowly animorphs into dick dastardly over the course of the series. his bro just straight up gets a dog head and becomes some unholy muttley abomination. imagine waking up one day after an air accident and you're straight up dick dastardly. what the fuck. like the recent scoob movie, somebody on either the art or writing team for this comic is SUPER horny for dick dastardly, because the man spends the whole thing in a hospital gown. after he leaves hospital, (post said air-accident,) he goes into aerial combat twice and on neither of those occasions does anybody pull him to the side and offer him some jeans or some shit. fucking MENTAL activities.

[MONSTER HOUSE]
i'm cheating because I last watched this movie that same weekend I binged all the addams family movies, but god I have lots of bullshit to say about this one. as a cherub-faced box-fringed youth, I always left the room during the opening because mr nebbercracker really fucking scared me. the adults chuckled, but they knew in their heart of hearts my fear was of people yelling. they did that to me. anyway I always felt intense envy of the main three kids in this movie, but looking back as a mateur adulte(tm) I have no idea why. not to dunk on these fictional mocap children too hard, but they're all kinda ugly idiots tbh :/. except the ginger girl but who gives a shit about her, I have a point to make. they also got away with some massive shit in this movie, and not the "huehuehue look they mayde an adult joke in the kidde filum" kind. spoilers for a movie that came out over a decade ago and that has been on netflix for half that lifespan, but the house is posessed because nebbercracker's wife FUCKING DIED DURING CONSTRUCTION, and thru shenanigans her body was just buried in a thin layer of concrete in the basement. you see the body. TJ, the main kid who reminds me of my friend rudy, trips onto the body, breaking the concrete, and revealing the skeleton beneath. shit's wild and I wish I had that kind of formative experience as a kid. all I got was test failing and picking up broken glass with my bare hands out of boredom at breaktime. I kinda lost track of where I was originally going here, but the film's good, Bones is a lesser God among pitiful mortals. i'll probably rewrite this to focus purely on Bones in like three hours. godspeed.

[BILL AND TED FACE THE MUSIC]
I wasn't planning on writing about this movie, despite being a huge bill & ted fan, but some shit went down in the cinema industry this week that I wanna document in case I ever get old & sad enough to remember it. for the first time since the release of US, I went to the local cineworld to go see the new bill & ted, on release night. the movie itself was fine, I lost my mind whenever they referenced bogus journey, but I was mostly fucking astounded with the fact that they'd completely remodeled the building over lockdown for no apparent reason. shit looked absolutely magical, and also completely empty. there must've been three groups of people in the whole screen, and one of them dipped halfway through during the dave grohl mansion scene. I bring all this irrelevant-to-the-movie bullshit up because the entire cineworld chain kind of fucking died this week. maybe in like a year i'll read this again and fondly remember these days. the current trajectory of the world sucks shit, and cineworld closing is probably the least of anybody's worries. at this rate, i'll be celebrating halloween 2021 awaiting the impact of a ballistic missile. this went off-topic quick.
bill & ted face the music was pretty good, I wish station showed up. I fear the future. 7/10.

[THE ADDAMS FAMILY DUOLOGY]
apparently, people want to fuck lurch. I respect them greatly. now that the true facts are on the table, these movies are fucking great and deserve as much praise as you could possibly heap onto them. I watched them back-to-back, (alongside the new one that happened last year, but it sucked, so i'm not acknowledging it further,) and my fever-addled mind went apeshit. the second movie, family values, is the better remembered of the two due to its amazing villain and weirdly exquisite social commentary in wednesday's b-plot, but the plot of the first movie is just completely fucked up and I sincerely wish more people would acknowledge it. cousin it cucks a guy. he shows up in the last half an hour and fucks the antagonist's wife. it's all he does in the entire duology and i'm obsessed with it. she births a tiny cousin it during the second film. she used to have a whole other child, who she presumably abandoned between the first and second movies, leaving him effectively orphaned due to the addams family murdering his father for the crime of conspiring against them. goddamn.

[HUBIE HALLOWEEN]
ok so this movie sucks. I didn't finish it because I got super bored when I realised that it was gonna be juggling like 6 different plots and two whole uninteresting love stories, and I was sick of trying to decipher adam sandler's "stupid asshole" voice that he's done about a bajillion times already. I refuse to let the netflix subtitles win. sidebar but my friend Ginger Joe told me last year that adam sandler had dropped a movie where he's a crack addicted jewel thief or some shit, and I thought he was bullshitting me until somebody in my class brought it up two days ago. what the fuck. who keeps giving adam sandler movie money???

[MR. STAIN ON JUNK ALLEY]
so this has been on my brain for like a week solid. not to be an anime watcher or anything but this series was fuckin dense. it's like 15 episodes long and such a high magnitude of shit goes down that i'm still processing it. one day i'll be able to write a master's thesis on this show. i'll make a mr stain cartoon theory youtube channel with a rantsona and everything, like all the sellouts do, and then all the 12 year olds will fucking love this shit. I lost my train of thought a little there. mr stain on junk alley is a cg anime by the same dude who did popee the performer, (which I know ALL you edgelord mfers love,) about this hobo-esque guy called stain, his giant cat bro pavlan, and their constant suffering and/or misery. it carries the same eerie early-cg animation as popee, but is alot less batshit with its mellow tone. and there's LORE hidden in blink-and-you'll-miss-it moments. (god, remember when I did dbz abridged and said I resent anime?? what happened to me. I was so hopeful. so optimistic for the furture.) [ADDENDUM: the whole series is on youtube here. if you have an hour or so to kill, fucking watch it.]

[LEE HARDCASTLE'S GHOST BURGER]
i'm adding this pre-emptively so that I actually watch this tonight. I make a point out of watching it every summer, and summer ends in two fucking days.
so i've just finished it again and i'm glad to report, to whoever's reading this, that I still love it. without any proper spoilers, two kids hunt ghosts and turn them into burger meat because the one kid's dad is a massive cunt. shit goes down properly and lee hardcastle gets to flex his gory claymation skills. honestly just fucking watch it man, it's like 20 minutes long and on youtube. when i'm less delirious i'll post an actual review or summary that isn't dogshit, because believe me, i'm not doing it justice at all.

[DBZ ABRIDGED EPISODE 31]
here I go again with something that isn't actually a movie- the police are hunting me down as I type. anyway, whenever I stay at my nan's house in Wales over the summer, I always end up watching DBZ Abridged, getting bored five episodes in because I don't give a shit about DBZ, and then skipping to this episode because krillin gets done for insurance fraud and that's all I remember from the whole series (apart from mr popo, but that's a given). in another life, i'd have seen the whole of the original dragon ball z and understand all the funnies. instead, I berate my internet friends for posting jojo memes in the discord, because I resent knowing anything about anime.

[THE CAT IN THE HAT]
did you say anything?

[THE TRUMAN SHOW]
I watched this on my birthday and the thing I remember most is that it fucking blew my sister's mind. she was awestruck by the whole thing. I kept watching and waiting for the classic jim carrey funny fun shenanigans, and boy, did I get them. solid movie. for some reason, I remember seeing part of it on holiday, but this random scene where Truman is in a bakery and there's a camera hidden in a bagel or something. that scene isn't real.

[JACKASS: THE MOVIE]
a guy pisses on a snowcone and then eats it. I wish I could've been in the cinema on opening night.

[MEGAMIND]
ok so fuck you if you didn't like megamind when it came out. we have these fake megamind fans coming out of the woodworks in current year, just because all the cool hip youtube reviewers are telling them the movie is good now. open your eyes, sheeple. megamind was good ON RELEASE. even at the tender age of seven I knew I was watching the single greatest animated movie of all time. did any of you motherfuckers even see the "mr blue sky" sequence??? pure cinema. people are begging for a sequel, but shit man, this movie was perfect as its own story. remember finding dory??? fucking incredibles 2??? every dreamworks sequel?? there's no need to expand on this, lads.

[FEAR & LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS]
as a fan of sir hunter s thompson, I was wary of this movie because of how everyone else who likes his works fucking despises it. but I thought it was pretty much alright. granted, I was drunk when I was watching it, and I can't claim to know enough about art to call things artistically bankrupt, so the jury's out on if this represents the cucking of thompson's vision. personally, I think it could've done with being just a smidge more manic. the chapter depicted by an audio transcript was massively underrepresented. the guy playing dr gonzo was hot tho. 10/10.

[CAMP NOWHERE]
accidental chris lloyd marathon ftw. I ended up watching this and completely zoning out for most of it because chris lloyd's character was kinda cute. it was a fun movie-film, but there was an abundance of just straight up uncomfortable scenes because the cast were basically all preteens. they also had the whole elaborate rube-goldberg climax that basically every movie in the 90's had for some reason.

[WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?]
admittedly, I was only half-watching this while I baked a fat chocolate cake, but I wanna rewatch it because it was pretty gud. Betty Boop showed up a few times, so it's instantly the best movie i've watched so far by that virtue alone. I forgot that judge doom was played by chris lloyd, which made the film I watched ^later^ kinda wacky

[HOLES]
good god, was the movie great. i'm always a wary bastard about going into the film adaptations of books for obvious reasons, but this was remarkably faithful. if you haven't read the book or seen this film, you have my undying pity. (and what the fuck did you have to read for school??? washing machine warranty cards??)

[MAD- MONROE]
fucking whoops. so I didn't watch a movie today, but to be fair, I was totally expecting my sister to piss off out of the house or something so I could see whatever bullshit was on netflix. to make a long story short, she cancelled her plans and I spent all day reading scans of mad magazine. i'm so fucking fired. anyway, I read pretty much every monroe comic from mad today, and now have the distinction of being probably the only person in current year who cares about it. every monroe story is basically the same: monroe is dragged somewhere/ put up to do some shit/ forced to endure a trauma by his family/ peers/ own bad luck. lols ensue. shit gets super gross. one day i'll write a stupid little master's thesis about why it's my favorite recurring mad feature, but I guess for now i'll narrow it down to the fact that bill wray's art is amazing and lends itself well to anthony barbieri's sense of humour and writing.

[ALBINO FARM]
I can't believe I watched this instead of Clerks. it's fun for the first half an hour, and then you realise that the title is total bullshit because they use albino as a catch-all term for "deformed mutant chud-people". I don't think this movie even has any ablinos in it until the last minute, and even then i'm only half-sure. TL;DR, some teens go hunting for this spooky place that everyone in this backwater town is super suspicous about. at some point, an old lady breastfeeds a hellbaby. nobody's gonna see this terrible movie so I don't feel at all bad about spoiling it- the funniest character dies first, the only surviving group member is some boring chick with no eyebrows, and the "big reveal" is that the whole town is mutated somehow. suck-central.

[THE CABIN IN THE WOODS]
full disclosure, I wasn't expecting this film to be good. and then it was. without spoiling anything, the whole plot goes fucking bananas about 40 minutes in, but you probably won't even feel the time pass. if you didn't root for the stoner guy from the getgo, you will. shit gets mental. the gore kinda sucks though, but i'll commend the CG effects for not looking too dated after a few years. overall, it's a smart deconstruction of horror tropes that doesn't get talked about enough nowadays. (ADDENDUM- minor spoilers but good GOD I thought they were setting up that one guy from the institute place to do something. if you've seen the movie you know who the fuck i'm talking about.)


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