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THE AUGUST AUGUST FILM CLUB

GUESS WHO STILL BUYS DVDS?

TEAM AMERICA: WORLD POLICE

I just watched this and remember fucking nothing apart from the puppet sex scene. astounding.


BAD TASTE

now THIS. this is cinema. if you enjoy splatter horror, australians, and crazy cunts with half of their scalps hanging off wielding chainsaws, i'd DENSELY reccommend this movie. the gist is that four schlubs go fighting off an alien invasion, and shit INSTANTLY hits the fan and never really stops hitting the fan until the credits roll. holy film, truly.


NACHO LIBRE

have you ever been SO excited to watch a film, a movie you've heard about countless times but could never quite get your greasy little hands on, only to have it land in your lap and proceed to not be that great? okay, granted, it's nacho libre, I didn't sit down for this expecting citizen kane or whatever, but this is a low-tier jack black movie if i've ever seen one. visually it's stunning, cheers to the crazy characters who did napoleon dynamite, but it also has that liar revealed plot literally fucking nobody enjoys. man.


SUPERBAD

those fucking freaks at rotten tomatoes lied to me. motherfuckers said that this movie is certified fresh, but i'm coming in hot right now to inform you all that it's certified BALLS. granted, I was severely drunk while watching it, but even a drunk man can see that mclovin is the only good bit about this flick. everything else just has you gritting your teeth and going "euuughghg" because it's either TOO PAINFUL or TOO REAL. dear god. I feel like you've gotta be in the 13-16 year old age range to enjoy this shit, to truly relate I guess. hurts my bones, this one.


NIGHT WARNING

I ended up, against my better judgement, liveblogging this one as I watched it. and thus, I have only taken one thing away from this movie: aunt cheryl is one creepy bitch. there's this super fucking convoluted mystery plot in the background, but it's completely overshadowed by how absurdly batshit insane cheryl is, and that one detective who suspects that everything is a gay conspiracy. very woke. as a horror movie, it kinda sucks. see, the opening scene really hypes you up for this to be a balls-to-the-wall crazy deathfest, with this super dramatic car crash kinda deal, but it never really hits that high again. even in the prerequisite third act slaughter, shit's pretty tame, or at least would be, if not for the ever-present insanity that is aunt cheryl. take a shot every time she acts wildly inappropriate to her nephew-son billy, I fucking dare you.


SPACEBALLS

haha, imagine watching star wars before you watch a star wars parody. the closest i've come to seeing a single star war was when I got super high and decided to watch the family guy star wars, and I remember NONE OF IT. this movie was still fuckin sweet though, as it stood on its own funnies and plot without me needing to trouble myself with watching the real shit. john candy was, however, supremely unnerving in that fucking dogman outfit. every time he was onscreen, I couldn't find it in me to look away, like so many trainwrecks and car crashes.


MONDO CANE 2

wanted to watch the original, but I was exquisitely lazy at the time, so I just watched this sequel on youtube. it's pretty alright. learnt some outdated tidbits about the world, saw some people become impotent from crocodile consumption, normal wacky shit. the narrator was some snarky british guy who could totally pass as the disinterested sassy butler to an eccentric rich guy.


AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS

I only watched this because I think steve coogan's kinda hot. sue me.


THE ROYAL TENEBAUMS

so my sister's become one of those motherfuckers who has a ferris bueller poster and won't shut the fuck up about the brat pack or john hughes or pulp fiction. nothing good had come of this most unfortunate development, until a week ago when she become a wes anderson hoe, and suddenly needed me to watch this movie. and, to be frank, it was a good time. it wasn't the flawless triumph she sees it as, mostly because of the incest plot, but 'twas alright. owen wilson stole the show. the sibling tier list goes chaz>margot>richie. the movie did a sick job of making me hate the shit out of royal tenebaum himself until the final third. frankly the best part of the whole movie was the glorious 70s aesthetic. and dudley. sweet, precious dudley.


THOSE BROKEN EPISODES OF THE SIMPSONS ON YOUTUBE

over the last six-odd months i've been writing and editing this blog, i've mentioned a few benchmarks for how I know that my mental health is failing. none of these tells, however, will ever be as obvious as when those choppily edited simpsons videos show up on my youtube homepage. and I watch them. hours will disintergrate, time will simply waste. bart will make it partway through a funny moment, and then it'll cut to a different episode. and i'll accept that. the video will end on a three minute musical interlude, and i'll be on a different planet entirely, until the audio stops and the autoplay begins.


DISENCHANTMENT SEASON 3

so this show is kinda bullshit, right? they keep raising questions and not answering DICK. and what's the DEAL with the emphasis on feet and asses this season? how come they keep insinuating Elfo is into sexual masochism? WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET TO THE FIREWORKS FACTORY?? every episode they sow the seeds for a kickass plot thread, and then they ignore it forever. or they introduce something and immediately write it off, like the ominous green smoke just being a buncha horsefuck. at least the adventurin' was good, it was nice to see more of Steamland I guess. they still don't know how to write Elfo, but I might be mentally incapable of giving a shit about him OR his sad, sad life. i'm not into the fact they're really leaning into the cat thing for Luci, but whatever, he's benched for most of the season anyway. Bean is just kinda okay. she fucks a mermaid, she fights with her evil loose plot thread mother, just normal routine bs for her at this point. in terms of side characters, Oona won. she just did. if you've seen the season, you know why. special mention goes to Odval, who totally would've come first if not for the fact that the writers can't decide what exactly his fucking conspiracy is. speaking of conspiracies, Dagmar is the worst character. her actions are excusable, but it's the fact that she's just a recurring bullshit device. like, we fucking GET IT man, she's EVIL. she does EVIL SHIT. she has a STRAINED RELATIONSHIP with Bean because she's EVIL. give some other plots some time, PLEASE. give ANY plots some time. resolve the Elfo one at LEAST, c'monnnnnnn.


CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS

god this movie fucking suuuuuuucks. pure cinematic misery, all pretending it's a cool and chill christmas film. you have NO IDEA how unironically pissed off this movie makes me. I can usually get to the point where jamie lee curtis smashes her head off the tanning machine before I quit the family christmas film afternoon. look, she's got her tits out in front of the vicar! HOW FUNNY!!!! fucking horsehsit. even thinking about it is draining my energy so hard. there's nobody to root for in the whole movie because everyone sucks pretty equally. except jamie lee curtis, who's just trying to live her fucking life while her buzz lightyear-ass husband and their unholy demonspawn neighbors ruin EVERYTHING. I never get far enough in the movie to see the daughter come home, but she sucks too for not giving them any notice. if somebody tried to invite themself and their peruvian waifu to my house like a day before christmas, i'd tell them to fuck off, even if they were my kid or some shit.


DC'S DASTARDLY AND MUTTLEY

yet again i'm not doing a film, but jesus fucking christ I want to know exactly how this comic got pitched. spoilers I guess, but the TLDR is that some wacky shit goes down (it's like, five different causes, there's a gas, there's a nuke, it behaves like a virus and can be passed from person to person, there's a chemical element, and there's eldritch gods???) and everyone starts becoming cartoons. our main guy slowly animorphs into dick dastardly over the course of the series. his bro just straight up gets a dog head and becomes some unholy muttley abomination. imagine waking up one day after an air accident and you're straight up dick dastardly. what the fuck. like the recent scoob movie, somebody on either the art or writing team for this comic is SUPER horny for dick dastardly, because the man spends the whole thing in a hospital gown. after he leaves hospital, (post said air-accident,) he goes into aerial combat twice and on neither of those occasions does anybody pull him to the side and offer him some jeans or some shit. fucking MENTAL activities.


MONSTER HOUSE

i'm cheating because I last watched this movie that same weekend I binged all the addams family movies, but god I have lots of bullshit to say about this one. as a cherub-faced box-fringed youth, I always left the room during the opening because mr nebbercracker really fucking scared me. the adults chuckled, but they knew in their heart of hearts my fear was of people yelling. they did that to me. anyway I always felt intense envy of the main three kids in this movie, but looking back as a mateur adulte(tm) I have no idea why. not to dunk on these fictional mocap children too hard, but they're all kinda ugly idiots tbh :/. except the ginger girl but who gives a shit about her, I have a point to make. they also got away with some massive shit in this movie, and not the "huehuehue look they mayde an adult joke in the kidde filum" kind. spoilers for a movie that came out over a decade ago and that has been on netflix for half that lifespan, but the house is posessed because nebbercracker's wife FUCKING DIED DURING CONSTRUCTION, and thru shenanigans her body was just buried in a thin layer of concrete in the basement. you see the body. TJ, the main kid who reminds me of my friend rudy, trips onto the body, breaking the concrete, and revealing the skeleton beneath. shit's wild and I wish I had that kind of formative experience as a kid. all I got was test failing and picking up broken glass with my bare hands out of boredom at breaktime. I kinda lost track of where I was originally going here, but the film's good, Bones is a lesser God among pitiful mortals. i'll probably rewrite this to focus purely on Bones in like three hours. godspeed.


BILL AND TED FACE THE MUSIC

I wasn't planning on writing about this movie, despite being a huge bill & ted fan, but some shit went down in the cinema industry this week that I wanna document in case I ever get old & sad enough to remember it. for the first time since the release of US, I went to the local cineworld to go see the new bill & ted, on release night. the movie itself was fine, I lost my mind whenever they referenced bogus journey, but I was mostly fucking astounded with the fact that they'd completely remodeled the building over lockdown for no apparent reason. shit looked absolutely magical, and also completely empty. there must've been three groups of people in the whole screen, and one of them dipped halfway through during the dave grohl mansion scene. I bring all this irrelevant-to-the-movie bullshit up because the entire cineworld chain kind of fucking died this week. maybe in like a year i'll read this again and fondly remember these days. the current trajectory of the world sucks shit, and cineworld closing is probably the least of anybody's worries. at this rate, i'll be celebrating halloween 2021 awaiting the impact of a ballistic missile. this went off-topic quick.
bill & ted face the music was pretty good, I wish station showed up. I fear the future. 7/10.


THE ADDAMS FAMILY DUOLOGY

apparently, people want to fuck lurch. I respect them greatly. now that the true facts are on the table, these movies are fucking great and deserve as much praise as you could possibly heap onto them. I watched them back-to-back, (alongside the new one that happened last year, but it sucked, so i'm not acknowledging it further,) and my fever-addled mind went apeshit. the second movie, family values, is the better remembered of the two due to its amazing villain and weirdly exquisite social commentary in wednesday's b-plot, but the plot of the first movie is just completely fucked up and I sincerely wish more people would acknowledge it. cousin it cucks a guy. he shows up in the last half an hour and fucks the antagonist's wife. it's all he does in the entire duology and i'm obsessed with it. she births a tiny cousin it during the second film. she used to have a whole other child, who she presumably abandoned between the first and second movies, leaving him effectively orphaned due to the addams family murdering his father for the crime of conspiring against them. goddamn.


HUBIE HALLOWEEN

ok so this movie sucks. I didn't finish it because I got super bored when I realised that it was gonna be juggling like 6 different plots and two whole uninteresting love stories, and I was sick of trying to decipher adam sandler's "stupid asshole" voice that he's done about a bajillion times already. I refuse to let the netflix subtitles win. sidebar but my friend Ginger Joe told me last year that adam sandler had dropped a movie where he's a crack addicted jewel thief or some shit, and I thought he was bullshitting me until somebody in my class brought it up two days ago. what the fuck. who keeps giving adam sandler movie money???


MR. STAIN ON JUNK ALLEY

so this has been on my brain for like a week solid. not to be an anime watcher or anything but this series was fuckin dense. it's like 15 episodes long and such a high magnitude of shit goes down that i'm still processing it. one day i'll be able to write a master's thesis on this show. i'll make a mr stain cartoon theory youtube channel with a rantsona and everything, like all the sellouts do, and then all the 12 year olds will fucking love this shit. I lost my train of thought a little there. mr stain on junk alley is a cg anime by the same dude who did popee the performer, (which I know ALL you edgelord mfers love,) about this hobo-esque guy called stain, his giant cat bro pavlan, and their constant suffering and/or misery. it carries the same eerie early-cg animation as popee, but is alot less batshit with its mellow tone. and there's LORE hidden in blink-and-you'll-miss-it moments. (god, remember when I did dbz abridged and said I resent anime?? what happened to me. I was so hopeful. so optimistic for the furture.) [ADDENDUM: the whole series is on youtube here. if you have an hour or so to kill, fucking watch it.]


LEE HARDCASTLE'S GHOST BURGER

i'm adding this pre-emptively so that I actually watch this tonight. I make a point out of watching it every summer, and summer ends in two fucking days.
so i've just finished it again and i'm glad to report, to whoever's reading this, that I still love it. without any proper spoilers, two kids hunt ghosts and turn them into burger meat because the one kid's dad is a massive cunt. shit goes down properly and lee hardcastle gets to flex his gory claymation skills. honestly just fucking watch it man, it's like 20 minutes long and on youtube. when i'm less delirious i'll post an actual review or summary that isn't dogshit, because believe me, i'm not doing it justice at all.


DBZ ABRIDGED EPISODE 31

here I go again with something that isn't actually a movie- the police are hunting me down as I type. anyway, whenever I stay at my nan's house in Wales over the summer, I always end up watching DBZ Abridged, getting bored five episodes in because I don't give a shit about DBZ, and then skipping to this episode because krillin gets done for insurance fraud and that's all I remember from the whole series (apart from mr popo, but that's a given). in another life, i'd have seen the whole of the original dragon ball z and understand all the funnies. instead, I berate my internet friends for posting jojo memes in the discord, because I resent knowing anything about anime.


THE CAT IN THE HAT

did you say anything?


THE TRUMAN SHOW

I watched this on my birthday and the thing I remember most is that it fucking blew my sister's mind. she was awestruck by the whole thing. I kept watching and waiting for the classic jim carrey funny fun shenanigans, and boy, did I get them. solid movie. for some reason, I remember seeing part of it on holiday, but this random scene where Truman is in a bakery and there's a camera hidden in a bagel or something. that scene isn't real.


JACKASS: THE MOVIE

a guy pisses on a snowcone and then eats it. I wish I could've been in the cinema on opening night.


MEGAMIND

ok so fuck you if you didn't like megamind when it came out. we have these fake megamind fans coming out of the woodworks in current year, just because all the cool hip youtube reviewers are telling them the movie is good now. open your eyes, sheeple. megamind was good ON RELEASE. even at the tender age of seven I knew I was watching the single greatest animated movie of all time. did any of you motherfuckers even see the "mr blue sky" sequence??? pure cinema. people are begging for a sequel, but shit man, this movie was perfect as its own story. remember finding dory??? fucking incredibles 2??? every dreamworks sequel?? there's no need to expand on this, lads.


FEAR & LOATHING IN LAS VEGAS

as a fan of sir hunter s thompson, I was wary of this movie because of how everyone else who likes his works fucking despises it. but I thought it was pretty much alright. granted, I was drunk when I was watching it, and I can't claim to know enough about art to call things artistically bankrupt, so the jury's out on if this represents the cucking of thompson's vision. personally, I think it could've done with being just a smidge more manic. the chapter depicted by an audio transcript was massively underrepresented. the guy playing dr gonzo was hot tho. 10/10.


CAMP NOWHERE

accidental chris lloyd marathon ftw. I ended up watching this and completely zoning out for most of it because chris lloyd's character was kinda cute. it was a fun movie-film, but there was an abundance of just straight up uncomfortable scenes because the cast were basically all preteens. they also had the whole elaborate rube-goldberg climax that basically every movie in the 90's had for some reason.


WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?

admittedly, I was only half-watching this while I baked a fat chocolate cake, but I wanna rewatch it because it was pretty gud. Betty Boop showed up a few times, so it's instantly the best movie i've watched so far by that virtue alone. I forgot that judge doom was played by chris lloyd, which made the film I watched ^later^ kinda wacky.


HOLES

good god, was the movie great. i'm always a wary bastard about going into the film adaptations of books for obvious reasons, but this was remarkably faithful. if you haven't read the book or seen this film, you have my undying pity. (and what the fuck did you have to read for school??? washing machine warranty cards??)


MAD- MONROE

fucking whoops. so I didn't watch a movie today, but to be fair, I was totally expecting my sister to piss off out of the house or something so I could see whatever bullshit was on netflix. to make a long story short, she cancelled her plans and I spent all day reading scans of mad magazine. i'm so fucking fired. anyway, I read pretty much every monroe comic from mad today, and now have the distinction of being probably the only person in current year who cares about it. every monroe story is basically the same: monroe is dragged somewhere/ put up to do some shit/ forced to endure a trauma by his family/ peers/ own bad luck. lols ensue. shit gets super gross. one day i'll write a stupid little master's thesis about why it's my favorite recurring mad feature, but I guess for now i'll narrow it down to the fact that bill wray's art is amazing and lends itself well to anthony barbieri's sense of humour and writing.


ALBINO FARM

I can't believe I watched this instead of Clerks. it's fun for the first half an hour, and then you realise that the title is total bullshit because they use albino as a catch-all term for "deformed mutant chud-people". I don't think this movie even has any ablinos in it until the last minute, and even then i'm only half-sure. TL;DR, some teens go hunting for this spooky place that everyone in this backwater town is super suspicous about. at some point, an old lady breastfeeds a hellbaby. nobody's gonna see this terrible movie so I don't feel at all bad about spoiling it- the funniest character dies first, the only surviving group member is some boring chick with no eyebrows, and the "big reveal" is that the whole town is mutated somehow. suck-central.


THE CABIN IN THE WOODS

full disclosure, I wasn't expecting this film to be good. and then it was. without spoiling anything, the whole plot goes fucking bananas about 40 minutes in, but you probably won't even feel the time pass. if you didn't root for the stoner guy from the getgo, you will. shit gets mental. the gore kinda sucks though, but i'll commend the CG effects for not looking too dated after a few years. overall, it's a smart deconstruction of horror tropes that doesn't get talked about enough nowadays. (ADDENDUM- minor spoilers but good GOD I thought they were setting up that one guy from the institute place to do something. if you've seen the movie you know who the fuck i'm talking about.)