WATCHING NIGHT WARNING
THIS WILL MAKE NO SENSE IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE
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NIGHT WARNING
it's been a hot minute since i've seen a genuine, over the top crapfest, and this sure satiated whatever depraved hunger I had locked down within me for this kinda horsefuck. holy shit, it even opens up with one of those "WOAH HOLY FUCK SOMEBODY CUT THE BREAKS AND WE'RE DRIVING ON A CLIFFSIDE" scenes that everyone and their mom's parodied. the car explodes at the end and everything! haha holy shit the creepy aunt-woman is nuclear levels of fucking insane. they keep foreshadowing that she does some cannery stuff in the basement, and it's pretty early in the film still, so i'm guessing she's gonna end up castrating her adopted obsession-son. more updates to come. it's been grim. UPDATE 1 (OF MANY, I'M SURE): SHE'S SNAPPED, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THE AUNT HAS STABBED THE TV REPAIR MAN. I REPEAT, WE ARE DOWN A TV REPAIR MAN. The boy has his prints all up on the knife, so he's not gonna get that scholarship everyone's all hyped for. god the aunt is creepy as shit. even the guy taking their police statements thinks she's just supremely inappropriate towards the guy, whose name is Billy I guess UPDATE 2: god the detective is a dick. you just KNOW this man is gonna get shivved. I retract my original guess that Billy will be castrated, clearly the detective will be the subject of such undickening. anyway, cheryl (I think the aunt's name is, dunno) is totally batshit and has some kind of shrine to a guy she used to know down in the cannery room, like we all do in the dark recesses of our websites and blogs and whatnot. UPDATE 3: oh man, turns out that the guy cheryl murdered was gay, which makes her problematic as fuck. now detective shithead is accusing everyone of being gay and in some sort of homosexual murder conspiracy. what a legend. my opinion on this sack of shit switches and oscillates every time he shows up. billy might, honest to christ here, be gay. i'm pulling a sleepaway camp and calling it while it's still early, because I tell ya, the ego I got from calling the end twist in that one still provides me energy in these trying times. UPDATE 4: GOOD GOD SHE'S SO FUCKING CREEPY. this has been your scheduled "aunt cheryl is creepy as fuck and shouldn't be allowed within a meter of the youth" update. oh, and billy's fucking a chick so I guess he isn't gay. no sleepaway camp twists this time! UPDATE 5: woo, we have an ongoing mystery afoot! new predictions: aunt cheryl is totally hiding a body in that basement. no doubt. this'll be a fun movie to condense when the livewatch is over, it'll just be me shrieking about how much aunt cheryl grosses me OUT. as I type this, she's drugging billy with some sort of roofie'd milk. at least, that's what i'm betting she's done, that wacky cheryl, she. UPDATE 6: that bitch done did it! billy has lost his basketball scholarship, aunt cheryl has decorated the attic like a nursery, and it's totally gonna devolve into some next misery territory. she's. so. gross. frankly, i'm shocked that its taken 15-odd years of these shenanigans for her to finally snap and go full-send. UPDATE 7: STILL GROSS. STILL SO, SO, GROSS. I don't care about the mystery anymore, man, I just want the woman dead. oh, and she's killed a guy before. highschool boyfriend, he's definitely in the basement. SHE'S CUTTING HER HAIR. STOP THAT RIGHT NOW, LADY, YOUR MOTIVES ARE NASTY. UPDATE 8: stupid, stupid billy. he's getting hung up on the mystery of his lameass, dead parents, and to get his rancid answers, he's thrown his dear-sweet girlfriend into the proverbial lion's den. she will not leave this scene alive, I fear. aunt cheryl's actress is super good to be freaking me out this bad. and there goes billy's girlfriend. we hardly knew ye, but we sure did see one of your boobs, so I guess that counts for something. UPDATE 9: BILLY YOU DUMB FUCK, QUIT DRINKING THE DRUG MILK. this guy's gonna end up JUST LIKE ol' chuck down in the basement. never thought i'd say it, but WHERE'S THAT GODDAMN DETECTIVE. as soon as he thinks half the cast are gay, he's on the scene, on the prowl as it were, but when developments go down, he's absent and just dicking about. the mystery is unravelling but i'm really not follwing any of it, who fucking cares at this point, billy's poor dear-sweet girlfriend is DEAD! UPDATE 10: AW GOD IT'S THE WRONG DETECTIVE. this whole time there were two: the hardass gay-obsessed guy, and the portly softman who just wants justice to be accurately dealt. it's the softman who's on the way to the grossmansion deluxe, meddling neighbour mcgee is still on the scene, and I'm willing to bet that we're gonna be leaving this flick with a thoroughly reduced supporting cast. UPDATE 11: DEARSWEET IS ALIVE! HAPPY FUCKING DAYS INDEED. lol, cheryl's got a jarhead, too. what a fun time. it'd be sick if like, dearsweet, neighbour, portly, and detective dickface all formed some sort of brigade to storm the hellhouse, but this movie has 15 minutes left, and probably needs to make good on some overdue gore. NEIGHBOUR MAGOO IS DOWN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! SHE HAS BEEN SLAIN. in exchange for the life of Dearsweet, we had to take down the only other character with any fucking clue what's happening. AND DOWN GOES DETECTIVE RONALD PORTLY, ANOTHER CASUALTY IN THE QUEST TO KEEP DEARSWEET ALIVE! HOW MANY SOULS WILL THIS TEENAGE GIRL CLAIM IN ONE NIGHT?? UPDATE 12: aunt cheryl devolves further into a cro-magnon form every time she's on screen. dearsweet is attempting to add to her ever-growing killcount by drowning the foul woman in the bog from whence she emerged. young billy has REGAINED CONSCIOUSNESS, and will soon be entering the fray. detective dickface had better be en route, as he is the only man I trust to sort the situation. or maybe not. CHERYL HAS ASCENDED TO MAXIMUM CREEP! DICKFACE, COME ON MAN. COME IN CLUTCH! BILLY HAS COME IN WITH THE CLUTCH FINAL KILL! watch dickface emerge from the depths now, only to dump billy with the charges for the carnage. fucking typical. considering the circumstances, I no longer trust dickface to sort the situation. BILLY IS CALLING THE COACH??? I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THIS GUY!! WHAT??? CHERYL IS UNDEAD. THE ZOMBIE WOMAN OF THE SHITHOUSE! god, billy is gonna need some incredible therapy after this. cue dickface, rocking up in the 70s cockmobile, ready to call billy a fag one final time before we roll credits. maybe dearsweet will emerge from the bog. I didn't give the coach enough credit during the whole movie, he's really come in clutch. NO, CORRUPTION! I FORGOT THE ONLY CURRENT POPULAR SLOGAN THAT MATTERS, ACAB! I SHOULD'VE NEVER PUT ANY FAITH INTO THAT DETECTIVE PIECE OF FUCK. and yet, i'm still sad to see him go. like all good lovers oughta be. the survivors are all sharing a moment of peace after the batshit insanity that just transpired. NICE, BILLY GOT ACQUITTED ON GROUNDS OF INSANITY! I know this because they forgot to shoot the ending I guess, and some text came up the screen confirming it so. what a goddamn movie. i'll do my final write-up soon, leaving this up for a bit, before quietly dumping this whole livewatch onto its own page. I hope that reading this has been as confusing for you, as watching the movie was for me!
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